A Sniper Enthusiast's Epic Fail

*Finished on New Year's Day 2025, and I'll move straight on to the next book, A History of Secretly Crushing on Someone, on my profile www (blurb below) Original title: A Scientific Guardian Buddy's title: The Sniper Collector's Epic Crash-and-Burn Chunjian is a man in the scientific-mystery world who got cheat powers from God. Apart from constantly getting thrown into rivers for no apparent reason, everything is perfectly normal. Chunjian & God: ... (staring at each other, confused) Chunjian is always getting weirdly obsessed with raising kids. He may keep crashing and burning, but he never forgets his original purpose. He picked up a green-eyed, long-haired little one in New York. What is this? A cute little one! Let me get a sniff. A gloomy, damp ghost of a man climbs out of the river and reaches toward the cute little one, following him all the way and begging to be taken in. So you want to join the FBI? I know all about that! I've been working against them for ages. Don't I know exactly what they're like? owo Akai: ? He picked up a blue-eyed, cat-eyed little one in Tokyo. What is this? A cute little one! Let me get a sniff. A kind police cadet fishes him out of the bay, and he winds up with five big cats without any effort. He happily kills time every day at the cake shop his subordinate opened, waiting for a cat to randomly show up. Wait, blue-eyed kitty, where are you going?! Mom (crossed out), I didn't teach you to do that! Hiro: !!! He picked up a bad-tempered, white-haired little one at the headquarters. What is this? A cute little one! Let me get a sniff... He picks up kids legally (?) in the Organization and accidentally makes an enemy of a future top killer who holds a grudge. (Passing by) (Picks one up) (Passing by) (Picks one up) (Glances at Gin) (Passes by) Then he turns around, thinks it over, and looks at the person he's kept passing by. Hmm, you seem pretty cute too. Want to come with me? Gin: Get lost! Chunjian: QAQ After earning the triple achievement of crashing and burning, faking his death, and disappearing, Chunjian is caught and dragged back to headquarters by the new generation's top killer. Chunjian thinks he's about to enjoy another new life of lying flat. Then he turns around and sees all the kids he's picked up lined up and staring at him. Chunjian: Help, is it still too late for me to die one more time? Chunjian says he'll embrace every regret. He is immortal, and hopes for eternity. *[Note] The author is good at OOC, writing like a running diary, and breaking the logic (gets hit) Updates daily at midnight! Feel free to point out potential issues, typos, or anything else. The author loves tormenting Akai. Basically, whenever Akai gets a scene, he'll be heavily rewritten and OOC (kneels in advance) Feel free to chat in the comments. If you'd like a comment pinned, want to chat, or need a reply, just leave a message awa This story is a frequent victim of AI comment deletion. If the clueless author notices, I'll appeal! *[Content Warnings] Not faithful, not faithful, not faithful. It's hard to pin down the CP situation, so readers with strong feelings about relationship purity, please beware ORZ Lots and lots of the protagonist cross-dressing as a woman! It's written in several short arcs, which aren't connected to each other and have huge time skips. The protagonist is a cheat-powered god. All unreasonable elements are classified as author-created settings ( A whole company of original characters appears, but they're mostly background characters. Some attempts to save canon characters from their deaths fail. Four different kinds of funeral food have been reheated in all, so please take note! * Important: The author is writing this while completely losing it, so please read without using your brain. [Brain storage area] ↓↓↓ Please check out my upcoming story ↓↓↓ When Read-and-Reply Goes Awry in Detective Conan (A perfect little sweet treat to enjoy before the New Year!) A certain ordinary person in the scientific-mystery world finds a strange phone containing a group of strange roleplay chatters, and begins a chaotic life of reading their messages and replying at random. Sender: Vermouth: Information on the new recruits [picture] [picture] Reply: Wow, that blond, dark-skinned rookie is hot. Vermouth, staring at the pile of new recruits' files in her hands: ? Sender: Gin: Confirmed, Scotch is a rat. Reply: Then find him a cage and take good care of him. Remember to buy the expensive hamster food. Scotch, mysteriously exposed and kept as a pet by the Organization's top killer: ? Sender: Bourbon: The target died unexpectedly. Reply: Someone died? Then call the police right away. Bourbon, preparing an ambush at the mission site with his Public Security colleagues: ? #Something Seems Off About the Boss# Then one day, he accidentally receives a message from a grandfather he's never even met: Grandpa: Stop stealing accounts. Just come over and inherit this [beep] organization. * Meanwhile, in the real life of this ordinary person in the scientific-mystery world, he has no idea that the Red and Black sides, previously just background characters, are falling into increasing chaos because of his random replies. With his boss placing great hopes on him (meaning, get a snapshot of a huge news story), this ordinary person in the scientific-mystery world holds his camera and walks by without batting an eye as Tokyo Tower is riddled with bullets, a Ferris wheel plunges into the sea, and a hospital explodes. He points his camera at a spirited young police officer. The ordinary person's righteous expression: As expected, in this boring, dangerous world, only photos of my seniors are masterpieces! (Wipes drool) * Hagi-chan's point of view: As an ordinary bomb disposal officer, Hagiwara Kenji never imagined he could be the most important sight in someone else's eyes. After completing a mission by the skin of his teeth, he faces a barrage of cameras and microphones from reporters, who ask one sharp, divisive question after another, trying to drive a wedge between the police officers. One microphone stops politely in front of him, at just the right angle to block the others from pushing their microphones forward. The young man, who looks so cold, asks in a low, magnetic voice,