A Depressed Patient's Journey Through Life

[Coming Soon: I Can Stay Alive by Cuddling Up to My Rival] [My Mental State Is Great] Lou Zhaolin had been secretly in love with Lian Xingye throughout all three years of high school, but was so oblivious he had not even realized it himself. He thought that after the college entrance exams, he might ask Lian Xingye what major he planned to apply for. He wanted to go to the same school as him. But on the day the exam results came out, the news that Lian Xingye had topped the high school rankings was accompanied by his obituary. Lian Xingye had jumped from the top floor of the science building and died on the spot. He had chosen the dead of night and even called the police in advance. His body was taken away that very night without disturbing anyone. That was the kind of person he was: quiet and detached, leaving the world just as silently. At the time, Lou Zhaolin was happily holding his phone, admiring the phone number of Lian Xingye that he had just gotten. He did not know that when he finally managed to compose himself and send his first awkward message, Lian Xingye was standing all alone on the roof, letting the wind blow over him. His phone vibrated in his pocket. Lian Xingye paused, then took it out and set it on the roof. Without hesitation, he stepped into the open air. He did not look to see who had messaged him. It was not that he did not care. He simply did not believe anyone would think of him. Only later did Lou Zhaolin learn that Lian Xingye had depression. Only later did Lou Zhaolin realize that he was in love with him. But they had never even exchanged a proper greeting. If time could turn back, if he were lucky enough to see Lian Xingye again, he would hold his hand tightly and tell him, one word at a time: "Who says nobody cares about you? Am I not somebody? If you don't love Lian Xingye, I do. If you don't know how to love Lian Xingye, I'll teach you." And Lou Zhaolin, don't forget to say to Lian Xingye: "Hi, classmate. My name is Lou Zhaolin." "I like you." This time, I'll do my best to hold on to your hand. Depressed bottom x reborn, devoted top [Note] Chapters 1-31 head toward death. He dies once in Chapter 32, and from Chapter 33 onward, the story turns from death toward life as he begins receiving proper medical treatment. This story contains extensive depictions of real symptoms, including detailed self-harm and extreme inner monologues. It is filled with feelings of oppression, anxiety, panic, guilt, self-blame, grief, and hopelessness. It also contains verbal and physical abuse, and may leave readers feeling angry, helpless, exhausted, tormented, humiliated, confused, or frustrated, or make them feel that the characters are whining, being melodramatic, or behaving inconsistently. If this upsets you, please protect your mental and physical health and stop reading in time! Your health matters most! Save your money to buy food you like or read a novel that makes you happy! Really, really, really, really, you don't have to force yourself! You'd be better off spending those few yuan on a game bundle than making yourself suffer! · I do not accept criticism of the plot, because most of the details come from my own experiences. Some parts may seem a little surreal, but they really happened, especially the scenes about going to the hospital. The real world is actually more magical realist than fiction. · This story means a great deal to me. It is not just another disposable online redemption story, but an attempt to explore and portray the actions and inner world of someone with depression, based on real experience. My precious Xingye is not a fictional character to me, but a friend living in another dimension. I am helping him through a difficult time. If you cannot relate, that means you have not suffered similar harm and are healthy in body and mind, which makes me very relieved. If any of you are triggered or reminded of similar experiences from your past, I would actually feel very sad. · The main characters grow together throughout the story. They may act immaturely at times early on. If anything is offensive, it is due to my limitations as a writer, not the children's fault, so I ask that you treat them gently. Feel free to judge my writing however you like. I may delete comments that speak badly of the main characters, because they would make my precious Xingye sad. I'm sorry. And if you do not understand or feel uncomfortable, you really don't have to go out of your way to tell me. I know how difficult it is for depression to be shown to the public as it really is, so this story is for a small audience. · Still, if this can serve as an opportunity to increase even a little understanding and awareness of depression, then this story will have achieved its purpose. I need to emphasize that depression is a disease of the brain, not simply a psychological issue. A person with depression cannot objectively control the urge to die. It is driven by the illness, just as a broken leg objectively causes pain. It is not a matter of choosing to give up or having a bad attitude. The brain's physical condition requires targeted medication and treatment. So please try not to judge them from the perspective of someone who is healthy. The sun does not understand the stars' troubles. It is all right if you do not understand; quietly staying by their side is the best medicine. · Also, depression is a condition that comes and goes. What seems like hope one moment may turn into new despair the next. If you expect it to be cured all at once, you may be disappointed. Treatment is a cycle of starting over countless times. I can only promise that the ending will be good, because the road there is truly difficult. If you feel emotionally hurt and cannot handle it, please stop reading in time!!! · That's all. I feel deeply sorry, and I sincerely thank you. Whether you stayed for a second or an hour, the children thank you for your brief companionship. I am grateful we met. This story is dedicated to myself, as a way of saving myself, and to this world, as a way of helping others. May you all be free of pain, blessed with health, and granted your wishes. May the world's most beautiful blessings come to you! Thank you. I love you, respect you, and am grateful to you. And I wish you well. [Coming Soon, Main Bottom: I Can Stay Alive by Cuddling Up to My Rival] An Zhi Tu, a top-tier idol, and Lu Zhaoye, a triple-threat actor who has won every major acting award, are famous rivals in the entertainment industry. One day, An Zhi Tu suddenly dies and binds to a life-extension System just before his death. Hold hands for 1 second, live 5 seconds longer. Hug for 1 second, live 10 seconds longer. Kiss for 1 second, live 1 minute longer. In short, the more intimate they get, the longer he lives. The ultimate life-extension method is making love. Every 1 second gives him a full 10 extra minutes! An Zhi Tu: ...Damn, could it be any stingier?! * They appear on a live variety show, and both fanbases are ready to tear each other apart. But when the two first meet and greet each other, An Zhi Tu shakes Lu Zhaoye's hand and gets stuck to him like they've been glued together with superglue. They never separate again. At lunch, An Zhi Tu gets up ten times to grab food. Nine times, he accidentally falls into Lu Zhaoye's lap, staying there for a full ten seconds each time before reluctantly getting up. On the first night, An Zhi Tu sneaks into Lu Zhaoye's bed in front of the entire country. And every night after that, he sleepwalks into Lu Zhaoye's bed. Lu Shiye: ... His manager blows a fuse. The fans go crazy. The netizens are dumbfounded. What a devious little bottom! * Lu Zhaoye has a secret: he is actually An Zhi Tu's devoted fan. It turns out the icy, tough actor is actually a superfan of all things cute in private. What he cannot resist most is an adorable little cutie like An Zhi Tu, who's soft and sweet. Lu Zhaoye has every reason to suspect that the little cutie has a crush on him. Because he sneaks kisses when Lu Zhaoye is asleep; slips off his clothes and secretly feels his abs; and especially loves being skin-to-skin with him without any clothes on. As An Zhi Tu's hands get bolder and bolder, Lu Zhaoye finally can't take it anymore and kisses him hard. "Do you like me? Because I like you too..." To his surprise, An Zhi Tu turns pale with fright and runs off, clutching his pants. "I don't like you! Are you crazy?!" Lu Zhaoye freezes, then takes off after him, looking as disbelieving as a man who has been used and dumped after being thoroughly taken advantage of. "Were you just using my body?!" An Zhi Tu: ... This misunderstanding has gotten completely out of hand. He's really not a pervert! With no other choice, An Zhi Tu tells him about the System. He expects to be called crazy, but Lu Zhaoye only gives him a dark look, then rewards him with a deep kiss worth one hour of life: "If you want to kiss me, just kiss me. You don't have to sneak one when I'm asleep. I'm willing." An Zhi Tu: !!! He's such a good person. I had him all wrong! An Zhi Tu: "Then... I'll take you up on that!" * Later, they do everything there is to do, both the things they should and shouldn't. An Zhi Tu lies contentedly in Lu Shiye's arms and hears Lu Shiye nibble his ear and say: "Would you... like to try the ultimate life-extension method with me? One time would give you another 25 days." An Zhi Tu's face turns bright red. Is that any way to confess your love?! An Zhi Tu: "Then... remember to be gentle." By the way, how long is 25 days in task time? * The whole entertainment industry knows that the Tu and Ye camps don't get along. Until one day on a variety show, Lu Zhaoye is asked to call the first friend in his contacts. An Zhi Tu's frantic voice comes through: "Lu Zhaoye! You only kissed me for half an hour the day before yesterday, and a whole day has passed. I can't stay alive much longer, sob! Come kiss me, emergency!" Everyone in the studio: ??? The director faints. That night, Weibo explodes. Clingy, straightforward, max-cute, sweetness-overload idol bottom x icy, obsessive, doting husband, hopeless romantic actor top [Coming Soon, Main Bottom: My Mental State Is Great] Lin Qingyao awakens to the truth. It turns out he is a disposable tool character in a melodramatic romance novel. He's a lovesick doormat pining for the main character's top, and a walking blood bank and human organ-growing vessel for the main character's bottom. In the end, the scumbag tricks him onto the operating table to donate his heart to his one true love, and he dies. Lin Qingyao after awakening: I'm going to make every single person die equally:) * The scumbag's mother: "Here's a million. Leave my son!" Lin Qingyao: "Is your son only worth that much? Ten million! Don't make me look down on you!" Lin Qingyao goes to the airport with the disposable scumbag top to pick up his one true love, who is returning from abroad. Lin Qingyao shoves the scumbag top aside, wraps his arms around the one true love, gently lifts his chin, and says softly: "Darling, long time no see. You're still as cute as ever." The one true love stares at Lin Qingyao's charming smile and slowly blushes. Scumbag top: ??? Stepmother: "Your younger brother wants to audition for this role. You can't act anyway, so give it to him." Lin Qingyao dumps the food on his stepmother's face right there. Before she can erupt, Lin Qingyao flops onto the floor. (Grabs his younger brother by the ankle) (howls) (screams) (crawls around in the shadows) (climbs on top of his younger brother) (scoops up a handful of rice from the floor and shoves it into his younger brother's mouth) "I know my acting is terrible. I've been trying so hard, so why do you still laugh at me? Why won't you give me a chance? Why?!" The whole family is terrified, thinking he's possessed, and bundles him up and throws him out that very night. Lin Qingyao, free at last: Plan successful. * After driving the wealthy family to ruin, Lin Qingyao turns his attention to the entertainment industry. An investor tries to exploit him, so Lin Qingyao calls fifty burly men over on the spot to livestream them doing the hand-shaking dance for the investor. A young actress gets bullied by a senior. Lin Qingyao grabs the bugs in a box and runs across the stage, throwing them in everyone's faces. The production team mistreats animals. Lin Qingyao turns into a monkey, swings around on vines, and kicks everyone into the water. How can you live without going crazy? #LinQingyao'sMentalStateIsLiterallyMe trends. Lin Qingyao becomes an overnight sensation. * One day, Lin Qingyao is livestreaming a handsome-man review. By then, his mercilessly sharp tongue has already offended most of the ugly men in the entertainment industry. A rival fan deliberately submits a photo of Lu Yanting, the head of Lin Qingyao's entertainment company, expecting to see Lin Qingyao make a fool of himself. Lin Qingyao raises an eyebrow and shouts, "Husband, get on top of me!" The livestream audience is horrified: Wake up! That's the big boss! Lin Qingyao is unfazed. "So what if he's my boss? If he's handsome, I'll fawn over him just the same!" Everyone: ...Lin Qingyao is so crazy he won't even spare his boss! Haters mock him: Lin Qingyao is finished! I hear President Lu is an icy man who never goes near women and hates the glitz and glamour of the entertainment industry. Just wait until Lin Qingyao gets blacklisted! But five minutes later, Lu Yanting personally tags Lin Qingyao on Weibo. Lu Yanting V: I'm outside your door. Please open it. The whole internet explodes. Lin Qingyao: What happened to the icy male god who never goes near women?! Oh, sorry. He's a man I want to go near. :P The scumbag top, currently trying to win Lin Qingyao back, is so jealous his eyes turn red. He messages Lu Yanting from an alt account: He doesn't just howl in a twisted way, he crawls around in the shadows too. He's a lunatic. What do you even like about him? Are you blind? Lu Yanting: I love him even more now:) Scumbag: ? * Face-slapping mini-scene: Scumbag: Did Qingyao agree to donate his heart today? Butler: No, but your one true love is on his way with a knife. He says he's going to cut out your heart and offer it to Mr. Lin. Scumbag: ??? Free-spirited, fun-loving, sunshine-puppy bottom x gentle, doting top with an 800-meter-thick filter who thinks even the bottom crawling around in the shadows is adorable * Theme: Since hardship has pushed me to the edge of the cliff, I'll sit down right there and take in the mist and clouds below, then sing you a song.