People in Gotham Eat So Well [Western Crossover]

Jane Doe, a longtime Gothamite, couldn’t make it in New York and resolutely returned to her hometown to lie flat. She was amazed to see how civilized and safe Gotham had become: you could walk ten blocks without getting shot. She returned to Gotham University to work diligently as a teaching assistant, while furiously writing Superman/Batman/Wonder Woman love-triangle fiction for extra cash. Her academic interests included research on Batman’s thigh-scissor hold, the evolution of Robin’s uniform, and the aesthetics of Nightwing’s glutes... One day in the future, Jane finally brings home her deceased high school classmate. She turns on the light and sees a Captain America pillow on the sofa, a Black Widow pillow on the bed, and an Iron Man speaker on the table... Avengers merchandise everywhere, but not a single Justice League item. The Red Hood boss stares at his girlfriend and asks, “I thought you were a die-hard Bat-family fan?” “Well...” Jane tries to make excuses, while desperately trying to remember whether she shut down her computer. The Jason in Robin’s green, scaled shorts, with his muscles on display, absolutely cannot be seen by the real thing! 1. Pairing: the Red Hood boss. 2. Absurd little sweet treat, a mountain of toxic gallows humor, and a warning about the Panda universe. Written for myself. 3. Started saving drafts on September 12, 2025, when I uploaded the blurb. Up next: “[Western Crossover] Alien Queen in Gotham” Blurb: She is a descendant of the ultimate predator of the universe, her bloodline etched with fearful memories of Earth’s heroes. Now, to survive, she has no choice but to play a “human child” right under the terrifying Batman’s nose. Every day, she struggles to survive under the Justice League’s watchful eyes. Afraid of Batman’s scrutiny, Superman’s heat vision, and the super-strong Robin punching her head clean off... All she can do is keep her head down, eat voraciously, stay quiet and obedient, and do her best to play a harmless orphan. But instinct can’t be suppressed. Aliens need to eat meat! Xenia starts drooling at the sight of fish (Killer Croc), then chicken (Penguin), then the Joker... No, don’t eat him! The Kryptonians smell the tastiest: packed with nutrients and terrifyingly strong genes. She can’t eat Superman, but surely she can eat a half-Kryptonian? Please, just one bite! Really! ...And so, Lex Luthor’s lab gets wrecked, and Superboy narrowly escapes becoming alien food! Xenia thinks her acting is flawless and that she’s fooled everyone. But unbeknownst to her, in the Bat-family chat group, where her “vision” can’t reach, the conversation goes like this: Dick: She ate two of my Batarangs again last night. Can I get stainless steel ones this time? Titanium can’t be easy to digest. Jason: Be grateful. Last week she ate the Batmobile tires I’d been collecting, then the evidence Tim left in the fridge. Where am I supposed to find another head for the little bird? Bruce: Put your things away. Also, Alfred’s out tonight, so remember to take the Doomsday steak out of the freezer to thaw. She spent too long staring at Superman today. They play along with her act in perfect sync, as if to say: Go on, little monster. Let’s see how long you can keep pretending. Until Doomsday arrives. In front of everyone’s horrified eyes, the “human girl” who has carefully kept up her disguise for years tears off her skin, revealing the hideous face of an alien queen, and leaps at the monster powerful enough to destroy the world. #Doing my best not to reveal that I’m a disaster on a cosmic scale today, too# 1. The heroine can’t speak at first and has no color vision. She remains in infant form for a few chapters. 2. This crosses over multiple DC comics, animated movies and series, as well as Alien movies and comics. Lots of headcanons. 3. No pairing in the main story. 4. Non-human characters and mild horror. Message: Gotham’s must-eat list. Have you tried it?