Uchiha Jin'er Will Never Become Hokage

[The next Naruto story should be I Unified the Ninja World by Courting Death]

Blurb:

1.

After dying, Toji transmigrates to the ninja world and becomes a mixed-blood Uchiha and Senju child in Konoha.

He spends his childhood with no memories.

Until one day, the memories of his past life return to the former Heaven's Chosen Tyrant.

Looking down at his own chubby little hands, Toji quickly makes up his mind:

Great! His goal in this life will be to eat, slack off, and wait to die, too. He'll go gamble on Short Fence Street in a bit!

But as everyone knows, plans never keep up with changes. Whenever Toji tries to laze around, someone always comes charging in, shouting about "bonds and friendship."

And so

When Toji casually punches an irritating guy into a wall, the clan elders decide he's the clan's new hope.

When Toji accidentally gambles away all his living expenses and pays to give a kid from his own village a chance to survive on the battlefield, those guys unilaterally decide he's a comrade they will never let go of.

When Toji kills the people who want him dead, like Danzo and certain nobles,

the Uchiha and Hokage who go off to revolutionize the ninja world and fight the Otsutsuki insist that Toji changed them, so they'll change him too and make him happy.

And just like that, Toji's peaceful daily life is ruined.

Completely, forever!

2.

After peace comes to the ninja world, Toji decides once again that it's too much trouble and tries to slip away.

As expected, the moment he climbs over the wall, those perverted Uchiha and Hokage who favor men catch him yet again.

Orochimaru, who gave up on his dream of becoming Hokage long ago, but was forced to become the Fourth Hokage because of a certain Heaven's Chosen Tyrant.

He gives a soft, "Heh," and says:

"Toji-kun, after making me deal with these troublesome jobs every single day, you didn't think you could still run away, did you?"

The next second, the snake-like young man rests his head against Toji's neck, his warm breath landing right on the three-tomoe-shaped Cursed Seal of Heaven there.

The Cursed Seal, one of Orochimaru's most satisfying inventions.

It has plenty of functions, including but not limited to allowing Orochimaru to revive himself through those bearing his mark.

"Tch."

Toji reaches up to scratch his head and complains in annoyance, but in the end, he doesn't push Orochimaru away.

3.

Toji: So, is it fate that I can't get away from this bunch of pests?

The Uchiha and Hokage: No, it's not. We schemed, planned, and racked our brains to make this happen. Tough luck, and you kind of deserve it.

No matter what, even if he can't slack off as he wishes, Uchiha Toji will never become Hokage!

He's going to play pachinko!

Content warnings:

1.

The main pairing is Orochimaru/Toji, with Toji on top, because Orochimaru has no such earthly desires. Lol.

2.

The secondary pairing is the five Uchiha, with no set roles. Ship them however you like, as long as you don't start a fight.

3.

Yes, most of the dead characters will come back to life, because they'll need to fight aliens. Everyone gets rescued, and everyone's a fan favorite.

4.

This doesn't bash Konoha or the Uchiha. Or, put another way, you can consider it bashing everyone. The protagonist gets smacked by Konoha, smacked by the Uchiha, and hit with the Eighteen Dragon-Subduing Palms by the daimyo.

5.

Note: There are things like Hashirama and Madara having a child, Zetsu, and Izuna and Tobirama having a child, Kagami, along with other headcanons and alternate settings. These will all be clearly marked, but this story is supposed to be research-heavy.

Basically, only Danzo gets bashed. Even Black Zetsu will be given a chance, but that doesn't mean anyone is being absolved. Everyone will be put where they belong to fight the Otsutsuki.

6.

Slow burn, slow burn! He's not max level from the start, but he basically won't get his ass handed to him either

Also coming soon: The Konoha Family Registry Office Staff Refuse to Smile Anymore

[Ensemble cast, overworked salaryman goes mad, childbirth, the five Uchiha with no set roles (excluding Shuin)]

Blurb:

1.

Everyone knows that the Uchiha, Senju, Hyuga, Uzumaki, and other clans in the ninja world, especially in Konoha, all share the same ancestors.

They're all descendants of the Otsutsuki, after all.

And me? I'm just an ordinary, obsessive fanboy who's especially interested in Naruto characters and their mythological inspirations. Suddenly, I transmigrate to the period before Minato becomes the Fourth Hokage

and into the body of a Konoha family registry clerk!

Damn it, why does the ninja world's family registry still use the one-family, one-surname system?

How am I supposed to register these ninja whose relationships are so tangled that some of them even have children with other men?

Seriously, is it possible that this job is just as difficult as registering the brain-flower Juanzi next door?

2.

After much soul-searching, driven completely mad by this family registry, I team up with my mad scientist partner to dig up the graves of the Founders.

Then, while everyone looks at me like I'm crazy, I hold out the microphone:

"That's right, I'm asking you!"

"What exactly is your relationship with each other, and who had whose child?"

"Why could Obito fuse Hashirama's cells without any trouble? Why do Kagami and Mikoto have Senju blood?"

"And, most importantly, "

"On this damn family registry, who am I supposed to list as the mother and who as the father? Which bloodline did each child inherit from?"

"Whose surname am I supposed to change?!"

3.

"Kazuki-nii, I want to ask you something."

"? Go ahead."

"I mean, if this family registry system bothers you so much, why don't you ask Snake Uncle to rewrite it?"

"...Don't ask."

"The answer is, he's too busy with his research."

"If you ask again, all I can say is that this is my little trick for saving the world."

Theme: Learn to love and be loved