Do I Really Have to Be a Shadow Guard?

● Weibo: @Jinjiang Zhangma In the third year of Chengqian, the new emperor Xiao Yinghuai established the Office of Celestial Surveillance. Its chief shadow guard, Song Jian, oversaw the palace security and intelligence network, wielding power so vast it was almost unbelievable. In the sixth year of Chengqian, a palace coup broke out. The former court’s grand councilor conspired with Prince Heng to seize the throne, and the Office of Celestial Surveillance’s shadow guards were about to execute them in the throne hall. At the critical moment, someone came crashing down from the roof of the Golden Throne Hall. The shadow guard chief landed squarely in Xiao Yinghuai’s arms. The hall erupted in shouts: “Protect the Emperor! Protect the Emperor!!” Song Jian, who had just transmigrated, stared at the man before him, eyes wide with terror. “???” Huh??? Protect him from what???? - Song Jian had become the chief shadow guard. He’d just transmigrated and landed in the current emperor’s arms. Whether he looked like an assassin was one thing; the real problem was that he’d failed at his job. According to the Office of Celestial Surveillance’s rules, he was due thirty lashes. Song Jian knelt in the imperial study, his face deathly pale with fright. Xiao Yinghuai asked him, “Do you accept your punishment?” Song Jian trembled like a leaf. After a long pause, he managed to choke out, “C-could I maybe not accept it?” Xiao Yinghuai: “?” Xiao Yinghuai knew there was a traitor among his people. Without showing his hand, he had laid out an elaborate plan, waiting for the day of the coup to make an example of Song Jian. But Song Jian made a risky move, leaving him not a shred of evidence to use against him. After that, Xiao Yinghuai planted plenty of spies to keep an eye on his shadow guard. But all the reports said: “Your Majesty, Lord Song has fallen asleep on the beam in your bedchamber. He also had someone bring him a blanket.” “Your Majesty, Lord Song has snuck into the imperial kitchens to steal pastries again.” “Your Majesty, Lord Song said... said he can’t take another day of this lousy job.” Xiao Yinghuai: “...” Then, later... “Your Majesty! Lord Song was caught making advances on the Vice Minister of Rites!” Xiao Yinghuai’s vision went black. Through gritted teeth, he said, “Bring him back to me.” - Being a shadow guard was no fun at all. The food and clothes were inadequate, he had to be on call twenty-four hours a day, and he was expected to sleep on the rafters every night. With dark circles under his eyes, Song Jian cursed Xiao Yinghuai as a dog of an emperor every day. Later, Xiao Yinghuai had a change of heart and said he would grant him one wish. Song Jian clasped his hands behind his back and said meekly, “Could I stop sleeping on the rafters? I... I toss and turn in my sleep. I might fall off.” Xiao Yinghuai gave a leisurely laugh. “Granted.” That very night, Song Jian was tied up on the imperial bed. Xiao Yinghuai lightly tugged at his sash, his voice low and deep. “What a lovely waist you have, Lord Shadow Guard.” Song Jian: “???” - Song Jian: Can I stop being a shadow guard? Xiao Yinghuai: You could be empress instead. ● An absurd, silly comedy in my own brand of nonsense. At heart, it’s a fluffy and ridiculous romance. ● The political scheming is grade-school level, and the logic is off on a joyride. Laugh out loud and enjoy. ● Readers who care about historical accuracy or airtight logic, beware. There are plenty of things that aren’t rigorous. ● The main text takes precedence over everything else. ● Don’t pick fights or argue. Outrageous comments will be deleted. ● Around 3,000 words daily, between 6 p.m. and midnight. I’ll post a note if there’s no update. ● Happy New Year! *Final reminder: Please make sure this style is for you before adding the book to your library or subscribing. Comments that stubbornly pick fights or nitpick will be deleted. This is all about silliness and jokes: comedy over logic, comedy over logic, comedy over logic. I never labeled this a serious political drama! The logic being a mess is the norm. If the plot has a standout moment, consider it a rare burst of inspiration! Coming next: Rong Shuang x Ying Wujiu A penny-pinching fool x a cold-blooded emperor Rong Zhihuan, known as the dynasty’s chief councilor but better described as the Great Liang Empire’s biggest corrupt official, drained half the national treasury in just five years in office. He squandered money on a life of luxury at home and built a faction, sold offices, and lined his pockets at court. He was a nasty little parasite. By the time the new emperor, Ying Wujiu, ascended the throne, Great Liang was already riddled with rot. Unlike the late emperor, Ying Wujiu was suspicious, calculating, cold-blooded, and cruel, like a venomous snake flicking its tongue. Uprooting Rong Zhihuan was to be the first blade he wielded against the weakened court. In Ying Wujiu’s eyes, Rong Zhihuan was already a cold corpse. He watched Rong Zhihuan’s every move, ready to begin a bloodbath that would restore the emperor’s authority. But somehow, things started to feel... off. - Rong Shuang grew up in a frugal household, where the family rule was to split every penny in half before spending it. Surrounded by that upbringing, Rong Shuang became an out-and-out miser and penny-pincher. Take my life? Fine. Take my money? You might as well take my life. He’d spent twenty years pinching every penny, and then opened his eyes in ancient times. Rong Shuang: “!” Wonderful! Steamed buns here only cost one copper coin! He happily stuffed a big white bun into his pocket and headed home, where he ran into some unscrupulous officials bribing their way into office. Rong Shuang, who couldn’t understand their code words: “What the heck?!” “How much did you say?!” “What kind of treasure costs three hundred taels of gold?!!!!” He went home cursing, only to be so horrified by the mansion’s extravagance that his vision went black: (pressing the philtrum.jpg) Damn those rich folks who feast while the poor starve!! Aaaaaaaah!!! Rong Shuang planted his hands on his hips in the doorway. “Starting today, everyone is going to tighten their belts and live frugally!” Everyone else: “...?” Lord Rong has gone mad. Even after transmigrating to ancient times, Rong Shuang was still an unapologetic miser. At first, all his colleagues thought this was just a stalling tactic to deal with the new emperor, Ying Wujiu. Then, one day, Ying Wujiu prepared to travel south, and officials from the Ministry of Works proposed building an imperial palace in Jiangnan. Ying Wujiu read the Ministry of Works’ proposal and approved ten thousand taels of gold with a sweep of his hand. Rong Shuang: “???” What?! Ten thousand taels of gold!!! He sprang to his feet and shouted, “Your Majesty, that’s too much!” Ying Wujiu raised an eyebrow. “?” He looked at the man with an amused smile. “Then how much do you think I should approve, Lord Rong?” Rong Shuang painfully held up one finger. “Then... one hundred taels.” All of Great Liang knew that Lord Rong was so stingy he even tried to pinch pennies when dealing with the emperor. - Years later, on the day of the empress’s investiture ceremony, in the bedchamber... The incomparably handsome emperor wrapped an arm around Rong Shuang’s waist and said in his low, languid voice, “I’ll give you all of Great Liang. How about giving up steamed buns at your next meal, hmm?” Rong Shuang: “I suppose I could.” Ying Wujiu leaned in to kiss him. Rong Shuang twisted his fingers shyly. “Then... could I take the leftover wine bottles from the banquet and sell them?” “...” #What’s an emperor to do when he has to eat steamed buns with his wife every day?# #Breaking news! The empress has gone out to collect junk and sell scrap again!# Theme: Everyone has their own talents, and even after spending a fortune, it will come back again