The Beloved Little Imperial Uncle

[Bonus chapters drop from time to time!]

When Zhan Xi opened his eyes, he had become the young brother-in-law of a minor noble in the Great Yong dynasty.

His maternal grandfather had served three generations of emperors as their tutor, his father commanded a powerful army, and his elder sister enjoyed the emperor’s favor without end. All three had lost someone they loved when he was born, and they cherished him with a love that ran bone-deep. Even his imperial brother-in-law doted on him for his sister’s sake.

But he was a hopeless good-for-nothing, constantly courting disaster. In the end, he caused the deaths of every family member who loved him, and met a gruesome end himself, torn apart by five horses.

Now, as Cao Guojiu, Zhan Xi was faced with a six-year-old crown prince and a five-year-old second prince brawling over a puppy, while the palace maids and eunuchs flailed about in a panic, unable to separate them.

The old Cao Guojiu used to take sides. But now Zhan Xi rolled up his sleeves and joined the fight. Taking on both boys, he scooped them up and gave each a couple of smacks, leaving them with sore bottoms!

Then he picked up the sobbing second prince and the mortified crown prince. Without a trace of guilt, he said with complete sincerity, “It’s just a puppy. How can brothers fight over it? You’re brothers! You should treat each other with affection and respect! Love one another!”

Second Prince: “...”

Crown Prince: “...”

If their bottoms hadn’t hurt so much, they might have believed his nonsense.

Once, Heaven’s mandate foretold that either the second prince or the crown prince would die, and that the Cao family would either rise to even greater heights or be utterly ruined.

Yet the brothers grew to love one another and build a flourishing age together, becoming a model for brothers in later generations. The Cao family, whose power had threatened to overshadow the throne, all made it out safely: some took up bird-keeping, others became teachers. No one could understand how it happened.

And yet, the furtive figure of Cao Guojiu seemed to be behind it all.

The worthless, dissolute Cao Guojiu, who was rumored to sleep all day at home, was somehow also connected in countless ways to the Great Yong dynasty’s penicillin, hybrid rice, improved firearms, and other world-shaking inventions.

Centuries later, when the truth of history was uncovered, posterity hailed Cao Guojiu as the greatest slash-career professional in history. He was an inventor, pharmacologist, agricultural scientist, educator, strategist, thinker...

Oh, and he was also the toughest old man around. He outlived six emperors!

A true role model for us all!

Who could have guessed that Zhan Xi had only come to this world, where everyone doted on him, to fulfill his ultimate dream?

And that dream was...

To be a salted fish.

To be a salted fish adored by countless people!

Zhan Xi: Hmph ╯^╰. Even Heaven’s mandate can get it wrong when a salted fish takes over!

2022.2.28

Da Bai’s upcoming book

Ding! Tyrant Experience Card

One day, Wen Rujin came across a short video about a novel. Its contents rang in his ears like a curse:

*

“I’m Father’s most beloved legitimate princess, and I’m madly in love with Shen Jing. To marry him, I threw his childhood sweetheart of a cousin into a brothel. I threatened to kill his whole family if he wouldn’t marry me...”

“I used every threat and bribe imaginable and committed every kind of wicked deed. At last, I forced Shen Jing to marry me.”

“Later, Shen Jing tricked me into sneaking into the palace to steal one of Father’s treasures. I never knew it was the Great Yong military defense map, or that Shen Jing had joined forces with foreign enemies!”

“My foolishness brought the kingdom to ruin and drove the father who had doted on me without limit to take his own life...”

“After our country fell and my family was destroyed, Shen Jing shot me with an arrow. But when they were clearing away my body, a jade pendant fell from my clothes!”

It was the very one he had been searching for all those years!

“In that moment, he went mad!”

“Given another life, I...”

*

By then, Wen Rujin could feel his mental defenses, which even true immortals and gods had been unable to breach, shatter in an instant!

He frantically swiped the video away and let out a huge sigh of relief. “That was close. I nearly listened to one more second of that deranged nonsense.”

System 520 suddenly exclaimed, “You think those novel worlds are toxic and completely insane too!?”

Wen Rujin grew wary. “What are you planning, ”

“Let’s reform those worlds, clear their insanity levels, and make them normal again!”

So when Wen Rujin opened his eyes again, he had become the hapless emperor who doted on his daughter without restraint and would eventually lose his country because of her.

This emperor was a complete failure at both civil and military affairs, and a cruel, merciless tyrant to boot!

His only redeeming feature was his devotion to his daughter, whom he spoiled to the point of having no limits, principles, or sense of right and wrong!

Wen Rujin: Heh. To hell with doting on her without restraint! Having a daughter like that is worse than having a roast pork bun!

At court, civil and military officials were discussing the drought when the legitimate princess barged in, crying and demanding that Wen Rujin arrange her marriage.

“Father, I’m going to marry Shen Jing. If you don’t agree, I’ll die right in front of you!”

Wen Rujin was delighted. “You want to die? Wonderful! Ministers, in ancient times, King Tang of Shang offered himself as a sacrifice to bring rain. Today, I shall follow his example. For the sake of the people and the harvest, I will choose a day to offer my beloved daughter to Heaven!”

Looking at the legitimate princess collapsed on the floor, dumbfounded, Wen Rujin said, “You can die, but you should at least make your death worthwhile.”

As for that traitorous dog named “Shen Jing”...

“Guards! Shen Jing entered the Golden Hall with his left foot first today, offending me! Heaven may be withholding rain because it’s displeased. Take Shen Jing away, ”

“Castrate him!”

So this was what it felt like to be a lawless, uninhibited tyrant. It was...

So satisfying!

#The world is going mad, and I’m the only sane one... Well, then, time to start killing!#

#Stop madness with violence! You can’t imagine how satisfying it is to be a tyrant in a world of lunatics!#

#The protagonist just kills indiscriminately. He won’t try to save the 24-karat love-addled madmen and madwomen!#

#But he’ll casually lend a hand to all the innocent people harmed by those lunatics~#

#Make the world a little more normal, starting with you and me!#

Thursday, February 29, 2024, 17:05

A recommendation for a friend’s book

The Villain Only Wants to Make Money [Quick Transmigration] by Wo Xiang Tuixiu

Xie Gu was a business tycoon whose passion was money, whose talent was making money, whose defining trait was being rich, and whose dream was to make money that could make more money by itself.

This money-making fanatic unexpectedly died in a car accident while trying to avoid a blind date.

As he mourned the fact that he could never make money again, the Villain Comeback System came knocking.

“Want to come back to life? Then follow the plot and complete villain missions!”

Xie Gu: “System, move. You’re in the way of my money-making.”

Xie Gu, the new villain: “Protagonists, are you ready for the financial sanctions of a business tycoon?”

World One: Infamous idol in the entertainment industry, quit the business and go home to inherit a mine (Complete)

World Two: Incompetent esports player, buy the team and kick your ass (Complete)

World Three: Holy Light of the Western Fantasy Church, believers get shopping discounts (Complete)

World Four: Tyrant emperor in feudal times, strengthen the country and its army for easier exploitation (Complete)

World Five: School bully at a high school, study hard and make money every day (Complete)

World Six: Evil cultivator in a xianxia world, get rich through hard work and scams (Complete)

World Seven: Cultivation failure from a family of Taoist masters, one talisman costs a hundred thousand, no need to thank me (Complete)

World Eight: Captured marshal in an interstellar war, announce your surrender and invade through economics (Complete)

World Nine: King of zombies in the apocalypse, force humanity to make deals (Complete)

World Ten: Rich, spoiled playboy, get dressed, I’m going to work (Complete)

[Let’s be frank (content warnings)]

1. The setting is fictional, and the author has made up plenty of details. Please don’t treat it as fact or subject it to historical scrutiny.

2. I believe I’m good at finishing what I start. See my author page for proof. I always finish what I begin!

3. Whether someone is a villain depends on their character. Gender isn’t a necessary factor.

4. The views of the characters in this book do not represent the author’s views. Otherwise, given the number of characters and the complexity of their personalities, the author would be a once-in-a-millennium master of split personalities.

5. I recommend not consuming scraps that someone else has chewed up and spit out. Read it for yourself.

6. No writing advice, please. Threats and bribes won’t work either.

7. This is not a commissioned work or an exclusive work. No personalized commissions.

8. Thanks to all the lovely readers who subscribe, send gifts, and leave comments.

9. If you read pirated copies, don’t come disgrace yourself by making a scene in the official comments.

10. More may be added later.

Theme: Cherish the people around you who treat you well. Be kind to others and love one another.