Our Debate Has Reached the Shinjuku Showdown!

Jiang Lun is a classic Jujutsu Kaisen fandom debater, and a troll to boot.

Memorizing a passage for class is an impossible task for him, but ask him what happened in Shinjuku, Tokyo, Japan, at 35 degrees 41 minutes north latitude and 139 degrees 42 minutes east longitude on December 24, 2018, and he'll answer in an instant:

[Forty-one seconds before Hollow Purple was activated, Shinjuku once again rang with Gojo Satoru's chant: Nine Ropes, Polarized Light, Crow and Declaration, between front and back... In other words, Gojo Satoru won! The strongest's achievement is etched into Shinjuku!]

Then he immediately switches to an alt and comments: [Miwacels, give it a rest. Sukuna in his original body borrowed Gojo directly, okay?]

Then he switches to a second alt: [666, did Ryomen's brain get scooped out by Kenjaku or what? If Sukuna in his original body could beat Gojo, why wear Megumi's skin? Mahoraga plus that installment-plan Space Slash just to beat the honored one? What a laughable move!

I just quit my job, so I'll make a binding vow never to work at that shitty old company again for the rest of my life, in exchange for swapping heights with the honored one. Your humble servant is conveniently 20 cm taller than him, so after the swap I can only reach the teacher's thigh. If I dodge the Space Slash, I'll escape the heavens' mighty hand!]

That's right, being a troll was just a disguise. Before 2023, Jiang Lun was an absolutely devoted Gojo Satoru fan. Beneath his practiced, witty banter lay grief and helplessness.

He put on a thoroughly entertaining one-man show. At the end, faced with a choice between receiving a million out of nowhere or becoming Gojo to fight Sukuna, he typed, [Who wouldn't want to jump headfirst into the tag-team fight against Sukuna? Not a moment was spent mourning Gojo Satoru's death. The next one heading to the battlefield is...] Then he hummed, [The weather outside the window~] as he went downstairs. The moment he stepped outside, a huge truck ran him over.

But... this isn't even a highway... and there isn't even a little boy... (barely breathing) (reaches out in desperation)

When he woke up, Jiang Lun found he'd shrunk by another two centimeters. He was now a standard 170 cm tall, and his face had become much more youthful. He looked seventeen or eighteen again, and had really turned into a cute little boy.

More importantly...

Why were modified humans chasing him nonstop? Why were they being forced to run down to the lower level of the subway station? And why was there a curse with gray hair, stitches, and heterochromatic eyes, looking just like the real thing, right in front of him?!

Holy crap, this is the Shibuya Incident!

Talking big online is one thing, but what ordinary person would volunteer to fight Sukuna?!

It's hard to say if I'll even survive long enough to fight Sukuna!!!

*

Gojo Satoru was sealed inside the Prison Realm. He'd hit it with a Hollow Purple, but still couldn't break it, and could only leave the Prison Realm temporarily stuck in place, unable to move.

A boy came tumbling down from the sky with a series of "Waaaah!"s, plunging through layers of bones and skulls into Gojo's arms. Then he immediately started babbling away.

"After you got sealed, Nanami got blown up by Mahito like a human balloon. Nobara was badly injured by Mahito too, and went into a coma for the rest of the story. The old Zen'in died, the middle-aged one came back to life and died again, one of the young ones got burned, another's going to die in a few days, and the last one got so thoroughly forgotten that he won't even appear in the spinoff. He's got less screen time than Rika, who's been gone for ages! Sukuna fought Jogo, then Mahoraga, opened his domain, and killed so many people!"

Gojo Satoru: ?

Could the Prison Realm only hold one person?

This was Jiang Lun's newly awakened cursed technique, called [Shared Corpse Cursed Technique]. It let him become another person's other half, but whether he could use that person's abilities, and how much of their power he could use, was up to the other person. He also had to follow their instructions completely until the technique ended.

It could be called a pretty useless technique, but in this situation it was extremely handy. The Prison Realm recognized him as Gojo Satoru, so of course it let him in, since they were one person. And as soon as he ended the technique, he would be expelled.

In short, he could freely enter and leave the Prison Realm.

Gojo Satoru tugged at his blindfold, the corner of his lips lifting slightly. Things weren't quite so bad after all. The Six Eyes' chosen one had Heaven's blessing.

Using his other half's eyes, he got a grasp of the situation in Shibuya and calmly directed the boy's actions.

He just couldn't keep up with the trends of young people these days. For instance, what did this mean: "This time, I won't let anyone else pilot Gojo Gundam. I'll also let you experience what it feels like to pilot someone else's body. Let's start with my Gundam!"

All Gojo Satoru could offer as an honest review was: "A little short."

Jiang Lun: ... (raises both middle fingers)

Teacher Gojo, you lost because you didn't shrink to my height and dodge the Space Slash, you know!

Bonus scene:

Jiang Lun: Which pairing could have the strongest bloodline? Hmm, obviously Gojo-Sukuna-Okkotsu-Itadori. But it depends whether Itadori is Itadori or the Heavenly Emperor Itadori. What about Gojo-Sukuna-Kujo, or Kujo and some random guy...

Gojo Satoru: Pairing?

Jiang Lun: (offers a simple explanation)

Gojo Satoru (cheerfully): I didn't know little Lun could do that, too. No time like the present, let's give it a try! I've been worrying about who to have inherit the Gojo clan~

Jiang Lun: ??? Try what? Holy crap, stay away from me!!!

Gojo Satoru barely escaped the ranks of wizards before he turned thirty, but this Gojo Satoru was no longer a good boy (sigh)...

#A collection of rotten memes and dark jokes. Readers with weak constitutions or who dislike trolls, beware.

#The Shibuya Incident, Culling Game, and Shinjuku Showdown follow the same sequence. (I'll write another story to bring some of the dead back.)

#Not very long, just writing for fun.

Theme: What you love is your life