The Way He Looks

Su Nian was a bird kept by Shen Du. Locked in a gray apartment, dressed in gray clothes, and taught to imitate someone else’s smile. Shen Du held his grandmother’s life in his hands, so Su Nian couldn’t fly, couldn’t call out, couldn’t say no. When Shen Du wanted him to be like Cheng Yanbai, he was. When Shen Du wanted him in bed, he went. When Shen Du wanted his body, he gave it. Afterward, Shen Du would turn his back and call out another name: Yanbai. Later, the white moonlight returned. Shen Du said, “You can go.” Su Nian left. His grandmother died. He made one last phone call, but Shen Du hung up. As he crossed the street, Su Nian thought: In this life, I haven’t been myself for even a single minute. The sound of a truck’s brakes. Shen Du opened Su Nian’s diary. On the last page, it said “In my next life, I want to be myself. Though you probably still won’t want me.” At last, he saw Su Nian for who he was. But Su Nian was already lying underground, his eyes closed forever.