I Only Died, I Didn't Abandon You

CP: A tyrant top whose big head or little head takes on the job of thinking at random x A half-dead but still energetic enough to crack dark jokes divine lord bottom Many years ago, I didn't believe in ghosts and gods. So when the tyrant I had raised from childhood pinned me to the altar in the middle of the Heaven-Worshipping ceremony, threatening me with an imperial edict for disaster relief unless I did it with him, I didn't resist. Later, I died. The day after my death, I stood beneath the city gate tower, looking at my own corpse hanging from it, and thought ruefully: I miscalculated. It turns out ghosts really do exist. If I'd known, I wouldn't have agreed to do it with him in the Hall of the Imperial Ancestors last time. It wouldn't have been good for the founding emperors to see. But now that I think about it, they weren't my founding emperors... Uh. W-well, I still feel a little guilty!!! Later, my butt ascended to immortality thanks to its role in stopping the tyrant from wreaking havoc on the world. Since my butt was an inseparable and important part of me, I ascended along with it. On the day of my ascension, the tyrant set fire to the palace hall and killed himself. His body was never found. Vermilion Bird Divine Lord asked me, "Divine Lord Lin Chun Gong, what are your thoughts?" Me: "I have many thoughts, but first of all, my name really isn't Lin Chun Gong." I am Divine Lord Quehua, Lin Xiuli. I never betrayed the late emperor's trust or disappointed the common people. My only regret is that I didn't get to see the little beast I raised before I died, and tell him that, actually... I've fucking put up with you for a long time!!! Of course, if you can promise never again to bite my belt, tear my clothes, or chew on my ankles, and agree to let me kick you eighteen times, mince you, and fry you in oil until you're a dog-meat sesame ball, then I'd still be willing to keep raising you. Reading guide: 1. In their previous lives: a mad little dog tyrant top x an upright, patient imperial tutor bottom. Expect melodramatic angst and a mountain of knives. 2. The plot and flashbacks alternate throughout, and the story is a slow burn. 3. Written in first person. The flashback sections may occasionally use third person. 4. Contains lots of dark humor. 1111 --Here's an upcoming story: No One Can Make Me Return to the Jianghu and Live Like a Savage-- How many steps does it take to go from the world's most admired swordsman to a hated lackey of the imperial court? Step one: Kill your master and senior brother. Step two: Be hunted by the entire martial world. Step three: Just as you lie battered at the bottom of a cliff, questioning your life, a kind employer suddenly offers you a job with the Embroidered Uniform Guard. The contract clearly states: An annual salary of one thousand taels of gold, no need to clock in or socialize with coworkers. All you have to do is be the boss's sword. The boss points, you cut down whoever he points at, then clock out and go home immediately. Ye Shu, the man rescued from a life of hardship: Wait, such a good thing exists?! Sword Immortal Ye enters the capital with his salary paid in advance and is dazzled by its bustling splendor on his very first day. Who could fail to notice the crisp, tender roast goose at the East Market, the rich wine at the West Quarter, the silky hot springs at the South Tower, and the soft, cloudlike brocade quilts in the North Pavilion? Street performers swallow swords and breathe fire, while snowflake patterns bloom in cups of tea at the end of an alley. Dice rain gold in gambling houses, and sleeves dance like living shadows on the opera stage... Ye Shu suddenly realizes: What? So I didn't transmigrate into a story where I start with a sword and have to hack my way through the martial world, but one about eating, drinking, and having fun in ancient times? Then what do you call all those years I spent sleeping on ropes in ancient tombs, eating nothing but boiled eggs when I went out, falling off cliffs every other day and letting white apes dig around in my guts, venturing into the desert to eat sand and pick up broken rocks, and finally getting my hands on a peerless martial art only to discover that learning it required castration? Does that count as living like a martial-world savage?! Ye Shu flops down among the silks and brocades, presses his hands together, and makes a declaration that renounces his past: From now on, don't call me Sword Immortal Ye. Please call me Lord Ye, Commander of the Embroidered Uniform Guard! Once the greatest swordsman in the world, now Commander of the Embroidered Uniform Guard, Ye Shu quickly falls from a martial artist who rises at the crow of the cock to a lackey of the imperial court who sleeps until he wakes naturally. Each day, he thinks about only three things: What should I eat for breakfast? What should I have for lunch? What should I have for dinner? Oh, and what should I eat for a midnight snack? Every day is wonderful. The only slight imperfection is that the three-year term is nearly up, and his boss seems to have no intention of renewing the contract. Ye Shu is anxious all day long. Even freshly baked, piping-hot sugar cakes have lost their flavor! The day before his contract expires, he finally works up the courage to slip into his boss's room and discuss renewing it. - How many steps does it take to draw the moon into your arms? Step one: Arrange things so the world believes he killed his master and senior brother. Step two: Offer a huge bounty to lure the entire martial world into hunting him. Step three: Find the moon who fell from the heavens before anyone else does, and make him agree to a three-year pact. That way, the dazzling sword stroke he glimpsed in his youth can be held in his hands for good. Even if the price is that the other man's face no longer wears a gentle smile, and he no longer drifts about in white robes. Unless he has a task, he spends all day practicing swordplay in his residence and ignores everyone. Mu Yunbai knows very well that the relationship between them is nothing more than a transaction: he will uncover the mastermind who framed Ye Shu for killing his master and senior brother, turning everyone against him, in exchange for Ye Shu serving him for three years. He promised that after three years, he would bring the culprit before Ye Shu. On the final day of their three-year agreement, Mu Yunbai keeps his promise and lets Ye Shu see the mastermind. The culprit is poisoned with a strange toxin and powerless to resist, at Ye Shu's mercy to humiliate, torment, and avenge himself upon. - At noon the next day, Ye Shu opens his eyes and sees half a jade pendant beside Mu Yunbai's pillow. It is made of the same material as the other half, which the real culprit left beside the bodies of Ye Shu's master and senior brother. The broken edges fit perfectly together. Ye Shu is horrified. The boss is so careless! He didn't even put away such a crucial piece of evidence. What if Ye Shu noticed it?! He smashes the pendant into dust with one blow, then calmly cuddles up with his boss in their soft, fragrant brocade bedding. Commander Ye's gaze is resolute. No one! Is going to make me!! Return to the martial world and live like a savage!!! - CP: Embroidered Uniform Guard Commander x Regent A top with both strength and brains, though if he has to choose, he's still strongest of all, the greatest fighter under heaven x A bottom who combines high intelligence, frail health, beauty, melodrama, and tragic romance, all in one, and whose mind runs wild with assumptions Reading guide: 1. A story of people jumping to conclusions and mutual misunderstandings, half comedy and half melodrama. The top provides the comedy; the bottom provides the drama. 2. Every tragic twist exists only because the bottom has imagined it into being with all his might. Treasure them! 3. Includes a small amount of System content. The top transmigrated from a martial arts game. Theme: People can become whoever they choose to be