Twenty-One

Finally, I am 21 years old, and something happened to me that I never thought would happen to me. When I looked at the age on the test report, I suddenly remembered this. More or less because of P, I was admitted to Shanghai Jiao Tong University. Now I am on the tail end of my junior year. I have applied for a master's program in the United States. I can graduate a year early. I have already bought a plane ticket in August this year. I opened my mailbox today and saw that I had been checking for a US visa for two months and finally informed me that I had to submit my passport. What happened at the same time was that I had a CT scan on Monday, a puncture on Tuesday, and just landed in Shanghai at noon on Friday. The next second I saw the email in the evening, I saw the test report saying thyroid cancer. But how can I put it, after walking so far, I feel that there is nothing I can't handle. While thinking about how to live in the future, I can't help but feel a little scared. There is a strange feeling that tells me that this is probably the bravest moment in my life.

I don't know where to go to talk about it, so let's just post a little complaint here in the middle of the night. I will be twenty-one in a few months, and I have been looking for a job recently. It is difficult to find internships in the corresponding majors. Logically speaking, the internship schools like us that most need the channels provided by schools do not arrange them at all. If I want to find independent internships in the corresponding majors, I can't find them. I simply rented a house with my roommate near the school to find a job to transition. It has been two months since I was on vacation. There is no suitable job that I can do. Either it is a black slave or it is too far away. To be honest, I regret renting first. I have a house. Sure enough, I should find a job first and then rent a house. My friend has been interviewing sales, and we have been joking and saying that zz is really selling everywhere. With the anchor [laughing and crying], my friend insisted on the bottom line of weekend breaks at first, and now he also considers taking three days off a month. I have been looking at service positions. Although many people say that it is not recommended to work in service positions, I am too introverted. Although I had been saying in the past few years that I was too confused and didn't know what to do, it was only after I left campus that this feeling of confusion really came back to me. What about taking the postgraduate entrance examination? Examination? Examination? Graduation thesis? Practice? Rent, water, electricity and living expenses? Even waiters need to have experience. There are many jobs that students don't want. I really don't want to continue my studies after taking the postgraduate entrance examination. I am not a bachelor's degree + a half-year major. I feel that I can't see the future at a glance. If I can really gain something, I have to pay more. Graduate school is also expensive. A few days ago My mother told me that my father is not in good health. I only have one feeling - I seem to be a burden. Although I know that my mother definitely does not think so, but I think so. They should be living in their old age without me (my mother always comes to me), and my sister It's close to home and I can contribute money and work. My brother is at least married and has children. I can't do anything and still have to ask them for money. Palms pointing up makes me feel uncomfortable every time. I originally went to interview for a job in a cake shop today, but the boss hasn't responded since I came back. I guess tomorrow morning There's bad news. Originally, I also suffered from anxiety. Recently, my mood has been counterattacking. I desperately wanted to find a job to distract my attention. Some time ago, I wanted to make some money from drawings, but the traffic on the platform was so bad that no one paid attention to it, so I had to give up. I have to communicate with my supervisor about my graduation thesis in a while. Speaking of which, the topic selection is still undecided. The teacher gave me a vague topic and didn't confirm it. I think it will need to be changed later. In fact, as I write this, I want to go home again. I can't tell whether it's because I'm anxious and want to escape or I want to go home to eat. Speaking of which, I feel quite spineless. I always hide and cry secretly, and I can't make choices. I feel like I always choose the wrong one. Although I also know not to beautify the path I haven't taken, I still can't help but wonder if it would have been a little easier if I hadn't chosen this path.

I feel like reading this article also comforts me a bit. The admission results of this year's college entrance examination have been finalized. I was admitted to a 211 program, but my major is quite unpopular. In the future, I will probably only take the public entrance examination. I feel uncomfortable when I think about this, and I feel that this title is useless. After all, you can take the exam for undergraduates and above. It seems that all the hard work in high school has come to nothing (I am not very interested in studying. I just want to get into a good university and earn more money to live the life I like). I don't like this major very much. I want to study. College of Liberal Arts, but I was ruthlessly rejected when I applied for it, because everyone recognized it as useless. They also thought that I was not good at studying other fields such as law and finance, so they took me out of the popular liberal arts major. Now this unpopular major makes me feel lonely, and I can't find much career advice online. In fact, what I fear most is the future. I don't want to get married, but my parents are very traditional people. My dad even said that girls have two chances. It doesn't matter if they fail in the college entrance examination. There is also marriage. At that time, I felt chills all over. If I fail to be a civil servant or a business clerk in the future, and cannot be financially independent, then I can only listen to their advice. As long as I am eating other people's food, I will always be controlled by others. I have no right or confidence to choose. All this makes me anxious and panicked. But now I am starting to think in a better direction. It is said in "Defective" that the world will undergo a major change in ten years. Nowadays, AI is developing rapidly and the future is becoming increasingly unpredictable. Plus I still have seven years to go to graduate school. The world may be turned upside down. My worries about the current society may be unfounded. After graduation, I can also try some jobs that do not match my major. The only thing I can do now is to finish college well and strive for postgraduate study. No step in life is in vain. We cannot interfere with the future, we can only grasp the present. Maybe the efforts that cannot see the results now will be favored by fate one day in the future. Even if not, there is nothing to complain about. Unsatisfactory things in life are common, and we have no other choice but to accept them calmly. Look at the frustrated people in history. In different eras, there are always people who are out of time and abandoned by fate. To be more optimistic, we always have free will, and we always have control over the possibilities of our own lives. Although the external environment often limits us, we can persist in not extinguishing the flame of freedom in our hearts, not internalizing external shackles in our hearts, and carving a way out of the one in ten thousand possibility.

Pp, I am finally 21 years old (╥╥) I started reading your novels when I was 14 years old. If I want to talk about my three views, the most unavoidable person to thank is you. Thank you. Your existence makes me feel that the world is not so bad.

Thank you priest I felt depressed for a long time. I was really confused. I went to a school and major I didn't like, had no employment prospects, had various bad changes at home, had an accident with my family, and had financial difficulties. I was too impatient and couldn't do anything well. I fell into a negative cycle. I had no dreams and all my hobbies and interests were put on hold. I couldn't find a goal that would fill me with fighting spirit. It all felt so far away in reality. I am very afraid of getting along with others, which makes me very troubled. I am also very lonely, not tactful, and find it difficult to integrate into groups. I cannot be generous. I really don't want to pursue this major, but I don't know what to do. Since the situation at home has been frequent, my parents have become more and more emotional. Therefore, I have become very alienated from my parents. It has been several years and I really can't find any meaning. However, the Internet said that this is how life goes by day by day. I always feel like I make the wrong choice every time, and my life gets worse and worse. It seems like life has just begun. I feel scared, but I am also vaguely looking forward to entering the next stage. Because I am too confused now, I hope that the next stage will come quickly and let me see if it gets better, whether it is time to bottom out or whether it is time to move up. But I'm scared and don't know where to go. After listening to online experiences, I feel even more panicked and lost. I'm afraid that there will only be more difficulties in the future.

I typed this paragraph in the library and was preparing for the postgraduate entrance examination. I was preparing to take the entrance examination to a relatively popular school. I was really confused these days. I was afraid that I would not be able to pass the entrance examination without the courage of World War II. Friends around me were urging me to apply for this school, but in fact I was unwilling to do so. As teacher Xiaoyan said, "My heart is as high as the sky, but my life is as thin as paper." I finally gave up and switched to the school where I was preparing for the exam, but I couldn't be happy no matter what. I kept thinking about the 211 I had prepared for. I don't know what to do. I've studied for two months during the summer vacation and I think I'm doing very well. But as soon as school starts in September, I feel like I won't pass the exam. I'm so anxious [crying] [crying] I started reading pp's article when I was 14 years old. "Look up at the stars and keep your feet on the ground" is a sentence that I particularly liked before. But now it feels so bitter when I read it. I want to go to a higher level, but I feel that my ability and energy are not worthy of it. [Crying] [Crying] What should I do? [Crying] [Crying]

Returning to this book review again, I tried to comfort myself. Everyone's confusion is unique and incomparable. The confusion of students at SJTU may not be more bearable, noble, and suitable for writing than the confusion of ordinary people like me. I have been troubled by meritism in my bones for many years. It has penetrated into my subconscious so deeply that if I didn't reflect on it, I would never have discovered that happiness and excitement are part of it, and loneliness and sadness are part of it. Sometimes I see the classmates around me rushing around for grades, and they even secretly poke and pry with each other. The progress between each other made me extremely uncomfortable. Maybe I thought I was beyond this evaluation system and didn't care much about many quantitative standards, but later I found out that I was just avoiding it. In a new environment, I could no longer be an excellent, middle-to-upper class student. I began to transfer the value of life to some less competitive fields, such as painting, music, and writing novels. But it was just not so fierce. It did not mean that I had become self-consistent and stopped participating in those insignificant competitions. I changed to a method of boiling frogs in warm water to continue torturing myself, and because I brought a little bit of love to myself, I believed that it was all worth it. I don't remember what Korean actress said when she accepted the award. I have almost forgotten the content. I only remember the sentence "I hate competition so much" that is still ringing in my ears. I think this is simply me. I have hated being quantified and cut off the most emotionless part of my body to be evaluated all my life, as if I have no other advantages. I was confused, I had no idea where I was going next, and where I would go without regretting it. I didn't even have the courage to step out of my comfort zone, and of course that couldn't be considered a comfort zone. I have read too many essays posted by Chinese teachers about people who are indifferent to fame and fortune rather than pursuing glitz, and I have also written too many essays about "being willing to sit on the bench" and "the value of life lies in seeking within". I am still not clear-headed about myself and feel ashamed of myself. I don't have such a broad mind to serve the country, the people, and the world. I just want to listen to a few melancholy songs and read a few sad novels in self-pity. If I am trapped in the "Odyssey Period", when can I get out?

Little p, wait until I am admitted to Shaanxi Normal University as a state-funded normal school student! ! !

I must have read pp's articles when I was in the fifth or sixth grade of elementary school. At that time, I thought the things written by pp were so enigmatic. Even now that I am almost twenty-one years old, I still can't understand many of the things in them. But pp kept writing unremittingly, which also made me passionate about the things I love and fight for them. In the beginning, I was just a noob with poor grades and mediocre everything I did. Now I am working hard to get into college and manage my own life. I want to read pp's articles for the rest of my life. . 😭

Pp, I was a freshman in high school when I first read it. Now I'm 21. Your works have been with me for so many years. It's so nice to meet you~ Now I'm confused, painful and lonely. Does everyone's 21 years old feel like this?