How Am I Supposed to Survive in Another World With My Sarcasm Maxed Out?

I transmigrated because, just before I died, I complained about how ridiculous a game NPC’s stock lines were. Then I transmigrated into that very NPC’s body.

To start with, I can only say seven stock lines, and every single one is insanely insulting.

At the time, I was dressed like a beggar and accepting a tip from a wealthy businessman. He asked me my name. Which of the following lines should I choose as the correct answer?

“You *stay healthy.”

“Heh.”

“You think you’re worthy of looking me in the eye?”

“Just a mere… tsk.”

“Look what trash I picked up today.”

“Don’t talk to me, you pauper.”

“****.”

[System: The Civilized Social Etiquette System is at your service. When someone asks you a question, please do not respond with silence. You should answer them.]

Me: Why don’t you look up at those seven lines and tell me which one I can actually say?! I’m a model of modern civilization, and you expect me to say this stuff?

[System: Remaining silent will deduct from your survival points.]

Through gritted teeth, I decided to start politely: “You *stay healthy.”

Wealthy businessman: ???

[System: You responded, survival points +1. Your response was uncivil, survival points -2.]

Me: despair.jpg

Thanks. Starting today, I’m going from a wisecracking sidekick to a cold, expressionless type. And you, my friend, you truly cold-hearted System, you know nothing. All you do is add one, then subtract two!

The most absurd part is that I can’t even communicate normally by writing things down.

The System only says: [You are incompatible with this text.]

How am I supposed to stay alive in this [highly dangerous] otherworld when every single thing I say is an insult?

I’m losing it.

.

But perhaps it’s too soon to lose it.

Once people other than the System understand that my spoken lines mean the exact opposite of what I actually want to say, then those who know how to read between the lines will be my friends.

And you, System, who does nothing but ruthlessly deduct survival points, I’m kicking you off my friends list for three minutes! (shouting.jpg)

Reader’s Guide:

1. The protagonist can only say these seven lines from beginning to end, and cannot communicate through writing.

2. Slice of life, gently healing, doted-on wisecracking sidekick, Western fantasy with nonhuman races.

3. Third-person narration.

The next book is What, You Can Go Down in History as an Emperor Just by Going Crazy? See my author page.

Blurb:

(Mad emperor x everyone reads too much into things)

Ji Ling died, transmigrated into a book, and was reborn as a puppet emperor with the same name.

The good news: He remembers every detail of the story.

The bad news: According to the plot, the Xia Kingdom will fall in three years. He will be dragged for a thousand miles behind enemy horses until his flesh and bones are torn apart. Even after he dies, he’ll be dismembered by five horses and his head will be hung above an enemy city.

As an aimless college student, Ji Ling thought it over calmly and reached a conclusion:

Since I’m doomed to die in three years anyway, I might as well act like I’m second only to heaven and make other people’s lives hell before then!

One day at court, his regent uncle once again vetoed his decree. Ji Ling promptly slammed the imperial seal into his forehead. “You won’t allow this, you won’t allow that. If you’re so capable, take the throne and sit on it yourself!”

The entire court fell silent, and the regent’s face turned livid.

One day, during a visit to the Empress Dowager, she hinted that Ji Ling should appoint one of her nephews as chancellor. Ji Ling flipped the table. “Mother, mind your own business. If you can’t manage that, go manage the harem. Your nieces, grandnieces, and even your distant cousins are all waiting for you to entertain them. Keep your hands out of court affairs, unless you want them broken!”

The Empress Dowager froze on her phoenix throne. That night, she tossed and turned, unable to sleep. What happened to the weak puppet emperor?

Another day, an attending eunuch cheerfully brought him some tonic soup.

Ji Ling gave a cold laugh, grabbed the eunuch by the chin, and forced the soup down his throat. Later, looking at the dead eunuch, he said expressionlessly, “That soup of yours was really nourishing. One bowl was enough to send you off to enjoy yourself in the underworld. You certainly didn’t drink it for nothing.”

A neighboring country sent a declaration of war. Its arrogant terms demanded that Ji Ling surrender ten cities, then travel to the border with thorn branches on his back and kneel to beg for peace.

The court officials waited to see how he would grovel this time. But the letter contained just one sentence:

“(A string of colorful curses) You goddamn idiot! If you’ve got the guts, come and kill your own father!”

The neighboring country’s general read it and fell silent, suspecting this was an unparalleled strategy to lure the enemy deep into their territory. In the end, he ordered his troops to hold their positions.

The entire court went mad.

Minister A: “King Ji slammed down the imperial seal to intimidate the regent! The Prince Regent has been tyrannical for years, and His Majesty waited until now to make his move. What profound cunning!”

Minister B: “He overturned the Empress Dowager’s tea table, and every word was barbed. He must have planned long ago to reclaim control of the harem!”

Minister C: “That letter… He used the crudest language to provoke the enemy, but it secretly contains the profound military principles of striking first and gaining the upper hand! King Ji is a master of warfare, too!”

Everyone began desperately recalling every word Ji Ling had ever said and every move he had ever made.

His past cowardice became a way of hiding his strength and biding his time. His cold laughter became a veiled mockery of the court’s incompetence. Even a yawn was interpreted as a lazy facade meant to lull his political enemies.

Several months later, the regent uncle accidentally fell from his horse and was trampled to death by the startled animal, his chest crushed in a gruesome death. The Empress Dowager and the head eunuch exposed each other’s secrets in open court, fighting as if they were sworn enemies who had killed one another’s fathers, determined to see it through to the death. When the neighboring country learned that the Xia Kingdom’s court was in turmoil, it thought long and hard, then withdrew its 100,000 troops. “They’re on the verge of ruin, yet they still dare make such a mess. They must have some hidden trump card.”

When news of the retreat arrived, the ministers knelt outside the hall and cried, “His Majesty is wise!” Inside, Ji Ling was slumped over the imperial desk, catching up on sleep and utterly oblivious to the world.

When someone woke him, he glared up irritably. “…What is it now?!”

The ministers were moved to tears. “Your Majesty, you needn’t pretend anymore! At last, we understand your painstaking efforts!”

Ji Ling: “…?” What a bunch of lunatics.

.

Time passed, and envoys from every nation came to pay tribute.

Everyone in the Xia Kingdom was equal, the people were united, and the country was peaceful and prosperous.

Sitting on his throne and looking down at the packed rows of foreign envoys kneeling before him, Ji Ling began to question his life.

What had he done? How had the plot turned out like this?

The king leaned down and asked his attendant, “Why are they so afraid of me?”

The attendant replied with reverence, “Your Majesty must be joking. You care for the whole world, have far-reaching vision, embrace all under heaven, learn from the past and look to the future, and are full of wisdom and strategy. How could this servant presume to question Your Majesty’s intentions?”

Ji Ling: “…” What the hell?

(Numb with disbelief)

Reader’s Guide:

A mad college student decides to use his imperial authority to make everyone’s lives hell, only to be celebrated through the ages as a wise ruler.

Theme: Words aren’t the only way to convey what you mean. Actions can do it, too.