The Son of Heaven Calls, but I Won't Share His Bed

[Female protagonist places third in the imperial examinations; disguised as a man]

When an emperor and his minister share a bed for one night, it is said to show their deep bond and the emperor's boundless grace.

But what if they share a bed every night?

-- Surely they're a pair of men in love!

That was the unspoken thought of every civil and military official in Great Wei.

The emperor had been terribly troubled lately.

It was simple: whenever he shared the imperial bed with the third-place graduate, he could hear the young man's thoughts.

One night, with floods and droughts alternating in Ningzhou and the harvest sharply reduced, the third-place graduate lamented, "What a pity we don't have sweet potatoes and potatoes. They yield four thousand jin per mu!"

The emperor: "!"

Another night, the emperor casually lamented the Turks' unrest along the border. The third-place graduate claimed to be afraid, his lashes trembling as he lowered his head and shivered. "If only we had gunpowder. A few shots could blow up an entire battalion!"

The emperor: "!!"

Yet another night, the emperor was fretting over the powerful clans entrenched across the land. The third-place graduate kept glancing at the dragon robe on the clothes rack. "AUV~ That Chancellor Wang is a real genius. That dragon robe, tsk tsk, it's exactly like the one you're wearing!"

The emperor: "!!!"

The emperor truly wished he could share a bed with the third-place graduate every night. The problem was, his top graduate was a man!

The third-place graduate had been terribly troubled lately, too.

The emperor was handsome, refined, and renowned for his virtue. He just wasn't a good boss.

"Third-place graduate, I want grain seeds that yield eight thousand jin per mu."

The graduate gaped. "Y-Your Majesty, this humble servant can't do that!"

The emperor pointed toward the Meridian Gate. "Then I'll borrow your head."

The graduate: "!!!"

The graduate: "Would four thousand jin do? It's a very promising crop. If we work hard, it might even yield five or six thousand!"

"Third-place graduate, I'll give you a hundred soldiers. Intercept and wipe out three thousand Turks at Qionglin Pass."

"Third-place graduate, hide My dragon robe at Chancellor Wang's residence."

"Third-place graduate..."

The graduate nearly wept. "Your Majesty, I really can't do that!"

The emperor smiled faintly. "Third-place graduate, is it so difficult to invite you to the imperial bed for a chat?"

The graduate replied indignantly, "Your Majesty, I'm the third-place graduate, not a lover of men!"

Who shares the imperial bed every day just to catch up?

And who catches up with their lips pressed together?

Huh???

* "The emperor summoned me, but I would not board his boat; I call myself an immortal among the wine cups." -- Du Fu, "Eight Immortals of the Wine Cup"

* Set in a fictional dynasty modeled after the Tang.

* A lighthearted, absurd comedy.

Theme: Hardship and adversity forge greatness.