Great Song: A Good-for-Nothing Prince? I’ll Knock the Khitans Out with One Punch

Identity: Song prince.

Daily routine: Find something to eat.

I have an incredibly powerful golden finger: I grow stronger whenever I eat. The only drawback is that if I don't eat, I'll starve to death.

[Scene One: In the Golden Hall]

The entire court calls me a glutton and says I've disgraced the royal family.

Belching contentedly, all I want to know is when we'll eat.

The result: I punch the Khitan champion warrior straight into the ground.

The Emperor: (smashes the dragon throne on the spot) “Issue the decree! Prepare a meal for the prince! Start with ten whole roasted lambs!”

[Scene Two: My Uncle's Dirty Trick]

My second uncle thinks I eat too much and will bankrupt the Song Dynasty, so he secretly cuts off my food supply.

I'm so hungry I'm dizzy and can barely walk straight.

The result: My rage meter maxes out, and I immediately petition to go to the frontier to “find something to eat.”

My second uncle, Zhao Guangyi: (feeling a chill down his back) “Wait, he'll go to war on an empty stomach?!”

[Scene Three: The Enemy at the Gates]

At the frontier, a hundred cartloads of provisions go up in flames, and I've been hungry for three days.

I look at Youzhou City across the way and see what looks like one giant roast suckling pig.

The result: Wearing 800 jin of heavy armor, I charge into the city gate... and smash it open.

The whole army: (eyes wide with shock) “Your Highness... you broke down the gate just to ask, ‘Where's the kitchen?’”