Build Your Mysterious Past for Just 100 Yuan from the Start

[Over a Million Words, Complete]

If you give me twenty thousand yuan, I’ll bring to your funeral

an unmarked Red Flag limousine, an old man in a Zhongshan suit, his face grave and stricken with grief,

five beautiful women fighting back tears,

and ten mysterious men dressed in black, wearing sunglasses and earpieces, standing ready for anything.

On a bright, sunny day, each of them will hold a black umbrella, silently watching the crowd, then solemnly salute beside your grave.

Then they’ll leave in silence!

But if you’re willing to pay me five googols, I’ll journey alone through the worlds, defy fate as I wade against the river of time, and seek the legendary Heavenly Emperor!

I’ll make him kneel before your grave and pluck stars from the sky with one hand to forge your Divine Tomb Stele!

The Undying Divine Tree will bear your body! Nine primordial ancient dragons will be bound to pull your coffin!

The Cauldron of All Origins will offer incense to you! The Heaven-Swallowing Pot will pour you wine!

An Undying Heavenly Herb will be fashioned into a wreath and placed before your grave to protect your remains!

The heavens and earth will mourn your fall! All living beings will chant in lament for your passing!

The eerie clans will unleash a dark calamity for you, sacrificing all things! They’ll refine the heavens and worlds just to be buried alongside you!

Then I’ll have the Desolate Heavenly Emperor sever all ages with one sword, flatten the river of time, destroy the road of reincarnation, and erase the cause and effect of time. No one will ever find your trail or disturb your eternal sleep again!

Finally, I’ll have a man named Li Jiuyue guard your tomb until all the myriad worlds are destroyed and everything returns to its end!

And all of this is available only at Longteng Life’s Last Wishes Company!

We’ll make everyone who attends your funeral suspect that you had a mysterious, fearsome past!

Tempted, my esteemed client?