NBA: A New Build Every Week, and My Rivals Can’t Keep Up

Zhang Han transmigrates to the NBA in 2015 and becomes a Knicks player. The good news: He gets to live every man’s dream of playing basketball at the highest level. The bad news: His temporary contract is expiring, and Coach Fisher has decided to cut him. Fortunately, he awakens a System that refreshes his NBA templates every week. When his template is Kevin Durant, he uses a burner account to clap back at reporters: “You don’t know ball!” When his template is Curry, he tweets, “I got a little carried away this week. I’m going to hit 100 threes!” The league goes crazy, studying Zhang Han’s templates every day. After spending 72 hours in the film room, the defensive coach breaks down. To shut down last week’s Iverson-level crossover, he dissects Zhang Han’s footwork frame by frame, only for Zhang Han to skip crossovers this week and go with fadeaways. A center who gained 20 pounds just to match up with you and withstand your Barkley-style post-up bullying has spent a month eating a muscle-building diet and is out of breath just walking around. Then you stop playing center and refresh your template to Ray Allen, launching threes from everywhere. Just as the whole league is figuring out how to beat Zhang Han, his template refreshes again. “Hey, punks! Quit studying game plans. It’s pointless!” “Bow your proud heads. This week, my template is Michael Jordan!”