The Hero's Self-Cultivation

I found a diary that I didn't want to read. But the burgundy cover uses golden lines to outline a grass-mud horse. 12.15 I had a dream I forgot I seem to be sick i don't know what i want to do I hate people looking at me I hate everything around me I hate patterned clothes I hate tasteless food I hate a house that doesn't belong to me I hate the inexplicable feeling i hate myself i hate myself why don't i die why should i live why am i alive why am i alive why am i alive Why is this happening?