A Guide to Botching a Tomb-Raiding Mission

Next up ┏(^ω^)=☞ Please add my next novel, Sweeping the Cultivation World with a Gun, to your collection  ₃  Xie Xun is the most notorious tomb robber in the region. Out of every ten tombs he enters, he encounters something supernatural in nine. Apart from his handsome face, he's blessed with a life so tough it could punch through the heavens. He can even see ghosts while drinking a glass of water. Because he's so unlucky, his master arranged for him to marry a ghost bride. His ghost bride is a fragment of a soul who crawls out of hell to find him on the fifteenth of every month. One day, Xie Xun accidentally enters an imperial mausoleum. They say that if you spend enough time by the river, you'll eventually get your shoes wet. He has just opened the coffin when its owner wakes up. From then on, the tomb's owner clings to him, demanding kisses, cuddles, and a warm bed. Xie Xun is baffled. “Is it normal for a dead person to be warm?” “Is it normal to go tomb robbing for gold and treasure, but come away with the tomb's owner?” “And besides, I'm already married!” He searches for dragon veins and gold, leaving a tomb untouched for ten years, then living off it for ten years. Yes, lately he hasn't been digging up anyone else's ancestral tombs, but he's still eating and drinking well, dressed in fine clothes. He must have robbed a major tomb! Xie Xun: Um... Ruming, who has just bought his wife new clothes and made him food: If you don't need your eyes, I'll dig them out. If you don't need your tongue, I'll cut it off. * Xie Xun was born missing an arm. His master says he once had a right arm, but someone stole it and took it into a coffin. Xie Xun: ヽ( ຶ▮ ຶ)ﾉ!!! Oh well. Even if he finds it, it'll just be a dry bone. Passerby A: “Have you heard? When a person dies with an incomplete body, they turn into a vengeful ghost and can't be reincarnated.” Xie Xun: _(´□`」 ∠)_ To get his arm back, Xie Xun opens coffins the moment he wakes up every day. “Hello, have you seen my arm? Please give it back to me. Thank you!” Top's perspective: I dutifully spent a thousand years imprisoned in hell for my wife, but she never came to visit me once. Then, after I got out, I found out she'd been dead for ages. I woke up in the mortal world in the body of an emperor, and my wife happened to be in the imperial mausoleum. He even pried me out of my coffin. To stop us from being separated again, I used a corpse-binding cord as a red thread to tie us together. * Ever since I came out of the tomb of a Miaojiang Gu practitioner, I feel hot and strangely uncomfortable whenever I'm too far away from Ruming. But when I get close to him, I feel great. My friend says that when you like someone, you feel awful whenever you can't see them. Could I have fallen for him? But I'm already married to a ghost! [Highlights from the coffin-opening] Corpse Guy: “Did he knock on the coffin lid before opening it? He's surprisingly polite.” Corpse Girl: “Bullshit! His accomplice took my things. Hey, come back and return my grave goods!!!” Jiangshi: “I'm done with this. I refuse to play a disposable character anymore. I want to be the main character!” “Oh. That bronze dagger in your hand is one of my grave goods. Please return it first, thank you!” * The wooden one's journal: 😶 [My master made me a wooden prosthetic. I love my master ☺️] [Opened someone's coffin and became friends with the tomb's owner 😊] [Slept with Ruming last night. It didn't hurt much. He said I blossomed, but I don't understand what he meant 😵‍💫] [❗Ruming can't see people's faces 😖] Guide: 1. The top was widowed for a long time and is a little unhinged. 2. Due to certain reasons, the tops and bottoms change personalities at different points in the story. 3. The five main characters are gods, and their true forms are nonhuman. 4. The main characters enter tombs and open coffins only to recover their own lost bones and complete their destinies, not to rob tombs for money or treasure. This story is fictional. Do not imitate ❗❗❗ 5. They are NOT tomb robbers!!! NOT tomb robbers!!! 6. One-on-one pairing / both are virgins Sweeping the Cultivation World with a Gun In 2099, an elite special operations squad from the Interstellar Federation Republic is wiped out. When Xun Ci opens his eyes again, he has transmigrated to the cultivation world. In a daze, he also ends up in bed with the immaculate immortal lord, Jun Lanwu. Love potion ❌ Love spell ❌ Qi deviation ❌ ʕ•͡-•ʔ Clear-headed, coordinated, and still ended up in bed with me?! ʕ•͡-•ʔ Hey! You're acting out of character! Looking at the face that was identical to his unrequited love, his team captain, Xun Ci says, “Captain, didn't you say you weren't into men?” Jun Lanwu gets out of bed, draws his sword, and holds it to Xun Ci's neck, his face dark. “Shameless! We're both men. How could you, how could you...” Xun Ci shrugs. “I was the one who was out of it last night, and I was the one who got fucked. Why are you turning this around on me?” Jun Lanwu: =(° °)= Xun Ci takes his hand and places it on his own belly. “There's still plenty of your children in here. Planning to abandon your wife and kids?” Jun Lanwu: (꒪⌓꒪) “Th-then come back with me.” Xun Ci: (◔◡◔) “Mm↗→↘, no.” Jun Lanwu: (ò_óˇ) “Who is this Captain to you? Are you refusing to come with me because you want to find him? I've never heard of anyone with the surname Captain. He won't even give you his real name, so you can't trust him.” Xun Ci: |ʘᗝʘ| “Did you lose your memory? Or are you a local?” “You don't even know who I am, and you still slept with me!!!” * Other cultivators cultivate immortality, ride swords through the clouds, and use talismans to subdue demons. Xun Ci can only quietly set up his sniper rifle. The cultivators laugh at him, saying that mortal weapons are ridiculous, magical artifacts can defend against any attack, and a little “peanut” could never break through. The next moment, there is a thunderous boom. The barrier shatters, and the demon falls to the ground. Five-Element formations? Talisman barriers? Whether you're a thousand-year-old mountain spirit or an ancestor in the Deity Transformation stage, gunpowder treats everyone the same. Others cultivate for a hundred years in pursuit of the Great Way. He pulls out a pistol and breaks through all laws with one shot. “The Great Way is far away. Bullets are faster.” 😋 Little scene: As soon as Xun Ci gets back to his quarters, he takes off his shoes, rolls up his pants, and sits with his legs spread. Jun Lanwu glances at him. “Have some decorum.” “Oh, have some decorum, huh? We're both men, so why are you blushing?” As he speaks, Xun Ci lifts his shirt and reveals his pale thighs. “This is cooler. I'll do what I want. This is my room, so no one can stop me from taking everything off.” Jun Lanwu storms off in a huff, leaving Xun Ci alone, laughing so hard he rolls on the floor. The next day, Xun Ci goes to see Jun Lanwu, but Jun Lanwu doesn't open the door. “Mr. Jun, Senior Brother Jun, Brother Lanwu, my young lord?” Jun Lanwu opens the door. “Don't call me whatever you like.” Xun Ci pouts. “Oh.” He cups Jun Lanwu's face and kisses him. “Did you miss me after a whole night apart?” Theme: Grow toward the light