It’s Just a Conquest, Right? Fine, I’ll Die!

Zhijian Riyong is a famous gaming blogger online, but he's never played a dating sim.

One day, a package arrives from an anonymous fan. Inside is a dating sim he's never seen before, with one gorgeous CG after another...

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1. Love interest: Ieiri Shoko

Long live gloomy, rebellious high school girls!

He immediately enrolls at Jujutsu High, slashes curses with his sword, tramples over his elementary-school-aged classmates, and performs the secret art of the death roll.

Ieiri Shoko: I suspect he's a born killer, the kind who'll go crazy if he doesn't kill something. Next time, I'll stick a little note on his back that says, "Anyone who sees this will die." It might curse those old geezers on the higher-ups.

But with Jujutsu High's student body being what it is, Zhijian Riyong can't help but see his two other classmates as love rivals. The "Strongest Duo," who are mistaken for his rivals, are left baffled.

Geto: Does he have a thing for me?

Gojo: He definitely has a thing for me, damn it!

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2. Love interest: Yosano Akiko

Long live the cool, sadistic big-sister type!

But after Zhijian Riyong joins the Armed Detective Agency, every day is packed with work. In his spare time, he has to fish people out of the river, and on his way back, he stops to buy sweets for the great detective.

As for his love interest, he barely manages to exchange a few words with her after he gets badly injured...

Yosano: Thank you for your business. If you could say even less while I dismember you, that'd be great. Though I could cut out your tongue first.

No matter what else you say, Thou Shalt Not Die is genuinely useful. As long as there's a breath left in you, it can save you. The activation requirement is just a little... Zhijian Riyong really doesn't know what to do!

And the other people at the agency are no less trouble.

Ranpo: I want you to go out and have fun with me as my partner!

Dazai: I found a new way to kill myself. Want to try it with me, Zhijian?

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3. Muzan-chan

The gorgeous, gloomy young wife type... wait a second!

Zhijian Riyong looks at the man in the distance, whose head bears the green text identifying him as a love interest: "Muzan-chan (male form)." His face turns green.

Failing is one thing, but why have the love interests all started changing gender, too?

There's no choice. He'll just have to take our dear Muzan-chan out to get some sunshine. Maybe it'll make his ** wilt and turn him into a cross-dresser, which would still be better than a pure guy.

In the end, he unlocks the achievement: "Nigerundayo!"

Unlocks the achievement: "BAD END: The Heartbreaker"

Furious, Zhijian Riyong smashes the game console, then posts a pinned update on his blog:

"If I ever play another dating sim, I'm a dog."

(Order undecided. No couples.)

Reader's guide:

- No playing with girls' feelings.

- The protagonist isn't quite right in the head, in short, he's a "crazy young man."

- Fanfiction, not canon. OOC warning.

- My writing skills are limited. Please don't read if it's not your thing.

Theme: Evil gets its just deserts