I died, but transmigrated to the Celestial Realm and became the Celestial Emperor.
Me: Hehe.
But...
The Heavenly Court is full of countless brats, each crying eight hundred times a day.
The birth rate in the Celestial Realm has skyrocketed, so the number of ascension spots has been cut. The cultivation world is in an uproar, and several minor worlds have already collapsed.
The Celestial Realm is overcrowded, its immortal energy is running dry, and the imprisoned Demon God is about to break free.
Me: Not hehe.
I resolve to reform the Celestial Realm, starting with family planning.
*
The Star Lord of the Celestial Pivot comes to plead with me, all coquettish: "Celestial Emperor, I'm only on my eighth child. Just give me one spot..."
I castrate his husband without a second thought.
Chang'e storms in, furious. "My Gang'er is only our second child! What gives you the right to stop us from having more?!"
I start to respond, then stop. "You two are... into pegging?"
The Great Sage Equal to Heaven has split into three hundred copies of himself, and each day he wreaks havoc in the Heavenly Court dozens of times.
Nezha now has five brothers: Jin Zha, Mu Zha, Shui Zha, Huo Zha, and Tu Zha. Because his name doesn't fit in, rumors spread that Nezha isn't their real sibling.
Treating the symptoms but not the cause, the Celestial Realm descends into utter chaos.
*
To enforce family planning more effectively, I cut down the Child-Giving Bodhisattva's spirit tree.
In an instant, peace returns to the Celestial Realm, and all the brats disappear.
Me: Hehe again.
Before long, an unfamiliar goddess floats into the Heavenly Court, graceful and elegant in flowing white robes, so breathtakingly beautiful that I can't help staring.
The only flaw is that her eyes are bloodshot, and her slender hand clamps around my throat.
Her exquisite face is twisted with barely restrained pain, and her voice is hoarse. "What... did... you... do... to... my... family jewels?"
Me: ?
Wait, the Child-Giving Bodhisattva is a man?
I learn that this stunning immortal is Heng Xian, son of Nuwa and the only direct descendant from ancient times ever registered in the household records.
His nickname is the Child-Giving Bodhisattva.
The Celestial Realm's sudden spike in births was because, for the first time in tens of thousands of years, he went into rut and started handing out children like crazy.
That spirit tree was the embodiment of a certain unmentionable part of his body.
*
Well, now the unfortunate god who's been castrated can only live out his days alone. The ministers of the Celestial Realm can't bear to see it, so they pressure me into taking the god as my wife.
I feel guilty. Besides, I figure he's a man who can't perform in that department, so I might as well marry him and take good care of him.
Who knew he'd be hard as a pillar on our wedding night?
I cry foul! This is blatant fraud!
But the god, tormented by his rut and flushed around the eyes, leans toward me and surges over like a wave. "Don't you know? I'm a descendant of Nuwa."
So what if you're a descendant of Nuwa? Nuwa is a snake... snakes have two...
I clasp my hands and beg Pangu to shut the heavens and close the earth.
Reader's guide:
The child-delivery Bodhisattva, a work-shirking top who's shy and introverted after sex x the hapless, sarcastic, handsome and dashing Celestial Emperor bottom
Marriage before love
A deranged comedy with plenty of liberties and twists
Theme: Stop trying to make more babies! We can't have any more!
