The Scheming Tea-Green Evil God and the Dumb Calamity

My childhood friend is weak, a green tea, loves acting pitiful, and loves crying and clinging to me (though he only does it around me, and I'm too dense to notice). If he weren't so damn good-looking, I'd have punched him once a day long ago.

Our relationship has been extremely stable from childhood to adulthood. He clings to me shamelessly, and I keep peeling him off me without budging an inch. He chases, I run. When he's mad, I scold him and he obediently listens; when he's happy, I play the straight man and he delivers the punchline. I have the face of a school bully, so none of the little thugs within ten miles dare mess with me. He, the one most likely to get picked on or harassed, hides behind me, and I've been half his guardian angel for over a decade.

I never thought I liked him. I'm a straight guy. I could only ever be his good dad.

But our families arranged a marriage for us, as parents and matchmakers do. Since I don't like anyone anyway, I figured I might as well make do with my son and live together (the bottom really does have an unusual way of thinking and is incredibly dense).

Then the apocalypse came, and I awakened the Disaster System.

An old monk had told me as much when I drew a fortune stick at a temple, but I hadn't believed him. He said I had an ill-omened constitution, and his prediction came true.

I nod, and the whole country gets three days of torrential rain, nearly destroying the city's drainage system.

I stomp my foot, and an 8.0-magnitude earthquake hits the country. I snap my fingers, and meteorites start raining from the sky.

What am I supposed to do? I've become an evil god, a villainous final boss.

After thinking it over, I realized the only way to benefit humanity and preserve civilization was to get away from people and hide in the wilderness. If I stayed around other people, especially my delicate, teary childhood-friend wife, I'd end up getting him killed.

I have to protect him.

So, half a month after awakening my disaster powers, I handed him a divorce agreement: Let's get divorced.

I thought he'd calmly take it and go on bickering and joking with me as usual. Instead, he stared at me in disbelief, eyes red and lips trembling, and asked why. I couldn't tell him the truth, so I said our feelings had faded, we weren't right for each other, and he deserved better. After I smoothly delivered that whole spiel, he gradually calmed down, but something about him felt off.

Had he always been so... gloomy and intimidating?

Crap, why did he turn evil?

His green tea act had all been fake!

The real evil god top x disaster bottom. A story about the two of them pretending to be someone else until their true identities are exposed.

Green tea, sweet-on-the-outside-but-dark-inside young evil god top x irritable, straight-laced disaster bottom

What kind of evil god clings to someone all day and cries little pearls, huh? x

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