[Blurb updated on 2023.11.13]
As a figure skater, Shirai Miya attempted a triple Axel for the first time at an international competition, only to take a spectacular face-plant split right in front of his idol and become a laughingstock.
Luckily, his senior, a quack doctor who had risen to become the head of a criminal organization, called to console him, saying their mentor had left an inheritance for him.
Thinking he might as well risk everything, Shirai Miya retired that very night and returned to his hometown of Yokohama.
He looked up and found himself face-to-face with a creaking glass door and a sign covered in cobwebs.
Shirai Miya: Are you sure this is a sanatorium, not a haunted house, Teacher?
[Yokohama Patient Club Guide]
Rule one: Funds are tight. Every three recorded instances of wasteful spending will cost you 1 cm in height, so watch your spending.
Rule two: We're short-staffed. If a doctor sprouts a third arm or anything else equally inexplicable, don't panic. It's normal.
Rule three: We don't know what kind of creatures the patients are. They'll do anything to trick you so they can get discharged sooner. Don't believe them.
Rule four: Take care of the club as you would your own eyes. It is alive.
Shirai Miya: What the heck?
They say there's a club in Yokohama that can heal both body and mind.
Hidden on the streets of Yokohama at midnight, it offers comfortable rooms, doctors with remarkable skills, and...
A mysterious club owner who can make your wishes come true.
Its reputation has attracted countless patients.
And so...
Detective patient No. 1, who had to get a tooth pulled after eating too much sugar: You're the cutest marshmallow in my heart, the one-of-a-kind little bear cookie in the whole world.
Shirai Miya: Stealing candy three times gets recorded, height -1 cm.
Gloomy, black-mud patient No. 2, who wrapped himself in bandages in the middle of summer and got heatstroke: I'll give you deserted streets, a sunset full of despair, and the loyalty of someone who has never had faith.
Shirai Miya: Stealing bandages three times gets recorded. Go see the doctor for anatomy practice.
Hat-wearing patient No. 3, who hid liquor until it went bad and got alcohol poisoning: In the waltz of ice and gleaming blades, I want to be your most in-sync partner.
Shirai Miya: Vandalizing property three times gets recorded. Forget it, just remember to pay the fine later.
Six-Eyes patient No. 4, who bit his tongue while eating daifuku: The world is no more than a speck of dust in my eyes. Only you can break through the barrier and become the moonlight that reaches me.
Shirai Miya: Trying to dismantle the club three times gets recorded. Get out of here!
Then there's purple-haired patient No. 5, who cut his hand on a potted plant; the young master patient No. 6, who forgot his tetanus shot; and patient No. 7, a sickly Russian with a yandere streak...
Shirai Miya: I'm so tired. Seriously.
Much later, Shirai Miya was invited to appear on Yokohama TV.
Host: How did you go from being a figure skater to conquering the world of tennis, bringing down the Dragon Head conflict, stopping the Night Parade of One Hundred Demons, and wiping out the Shibuya Incident...?
Shirai Miya: I have my patients to thank.
Host: Um, could you elaborate?
Shirai Miya, looking conflicted: Nothing special. Practice makes perfect.
*
1. Shirai Miya is a former figure skater, but figure skating won't feature much. He's a genius without realizing it, and he's not the annoying type.
2. The "patients" are patients in the literal sense: they're all hospitalized together.
3. The pairing is tentatively Dazai Osamu.
4. This is a lighthearted slice-of-life story. Treatment means healing the mind as well as the body.
Theme: The world is falling apart, and Shirai is patching it back together.
