A Guide to Gossiping in Kaifeng [Seven Heroes and Five Gallants]

A hilarious, absurd secret-identity novel. Nobody ever blows their cover.

Qin Yi: Yi-Yi here, bringing you the latest gossip from the front lines.

If there's gossip you can think of, I can get my hands on it.

Important: The main story is told in third person.

Storytellers sing and speak to guide people right. Three great roads run through the heart of the land. Good and evil both meet their reckoning in the end. Smack! The righteous path of the world is full of hardship.

Today, I'll tell you about the most popular fanfic in Bianjing! (Crossed out) The Casebook of Lord Bao!

The storyteller held forth dramatically in the teahouse.

A fourth-rank saber-wielding guard in a red official uniform narrowed his catlike eyes and hauled him away on the spot.

Good heavens! A character from a book has come to life!

What? You're Lord Zhan? My apologies, my apologies. I only heard all that Three Heroes and Five Gallants stuff from a scholar. I'm not responsible for any fan-created fiction, okay?

Where is he? I don't know either. I only heard he's going to see a famous doctor. Oh, right, I do have the doctor's contact information. Mention my name and you'll get ten percent off.

What? You're Lord Bao? Your face isn't quite as dark as I expected. Ah, no, I mean, how did I know who the murderer was? I was just talking nonsense! Fine, all right, I admit I met a fortune-teller.

What? You're the famous White Jade Hall, the Jade-Furred Rat who was poisoned this time? Piece of cake, it's no big deal. Why do I know how to make an antidote? Well, that takes us back to my epic love story with a woman from Miaojiang...

What? You're the adviser Gongsun Ce? As expected, fair-skinned and handsome. Ah, no, I just happen to know a little Persian. Could you please not make me translate the Persian saintess's love letter? If I'd known your age, I, um, she wouldn't have...

The Persian saintess entered the palace? Impossible, absolutely impossible! His Majesty has lately been obsessed with... ahem, devoted to handsome holy monks.

How do I know? Well, is it possible that I'm actually a bona fide civil servant in the imperial palace?

What? You want to know who I am?

Just an unremarkable storyteller.

I am Qin Yi. What can I do for you?

Theme: The greatest heroes serve their country and their people.