A Double-Faced Office Drone's Guide to Getting by at Work

Lin Yan transmigrates and lands a golden civil-service job in the Great Yu dynasty: a junior official in the Ministry of Rites' Sacrificial Office at the Secretariat.

He thinks he's finally escaped the hell of incompetent modern bosses, idiotic coworkers, and endless PowerPoint presentations.

Instead, his boss is a champion at making empty promises and squeezing his staff, his coworkers are masters of dodging blame and slacking off, and his work consists of an endless stream of reports like On the Auspicious Meaning of Crows Circling Three Times to the Left During the Heavenly Sacrifice and An Analysis of the Correlation Between Officials' Weights and Their Seating Arrangements at the Dragon Boat Festival Banquet...

Lin Yan's resentment is heavier than a ghost's.

Just as he's keeping himself alive by cursing his boss and coworkers and their ancestors to the eighteenth generation in his head, his father brings him a "heaven-sent piece of good news."

"Son, His Majesty has a discerning eye and has appointed you as a secret guard, specifically to keep an eye on the Ministry of Rites!"

Lin Yan: "Dad, can I refuse?"

His father: "Do you want your entire clan executed?"

He can't even finish all his work at the Ministry of Rites, and now they've given him more!

Lin Yan's resentment is thick enough to keep ten evil sword immortals alive.

From then on, by day Lin Yan wears a mask of respectful obedience and diligence at the Ministry of Rites, turning into the "Sacrificial Office's most overworked employee" and going bald over his boss's bizarre documents, which could make even Confucius rise from the dead in anger.

Meanwhile, his inner monologue goes wild: Write, write, write! Write my ass! What else is this garbage good for besides burning it for the Kitchen God or using it as wallpaper?!

At night, he appears anxious and submissive as he enters the palace to report to the solemn, dignified emperor on the dragon throne.

But inside, he's firing on all cylinders: Aaaaah, you awful emperor! Do you know that every time you casually say one little thing, I have to work overtime until the chickens crow?! Who stays up half the night listening to reports? Were you reincarnated from a bat?!

What Lin Yan never imagined was that Emperor Xiao Che had a secret: he could hear Lin Yan's surging inner thoughts, every word of which was a gem, about everyone in the Ministry of Rites, including the emperor himself.

Their first audience:

Xiao Che: "Minister Lin, has anything unusual been happening at the Ministry of Rites lately?"

Lin Yan: "Your Majesty, all the officials are diligent in their duties, and the ministry is running smoothly."

But in Lin Yan's mind: Diligent, my ass! Vice Minister Zhang is busy with his concubine, testing out 108 ways to play with glow-in-the-dark memorials! And Physician Li is even worse: he's got a hot pot going in his office, and the smell's so strong even the coroner from the Ministry of Justice came to ask if there was a fresh corpse!

Xiao Che: "..." He silently takes note of the culprits.

From then on, Xiao Che finds his greatest amusement outside the dull business of court: eagerly following Lin's exclusive series, The Ministry of Rites' Bizarre Daily Life and The Emperor Gets Roasted: A Short Play.

Lin Yan privately calls the Ministry of Rites a bunch of useless officials who do nothing for their pay, and Xiao Che takes decisive action to clean up the workplace.

Lin Yan privately calls the emperor an exploiter who makes his employees work until the chickens crow, and Xiao Che turns around and rewards him with imperial cuisine, a treasured inkstone, and even a seat in front of the throne.

Lin Yan trembles as he holds the emperor's gift of luminous pearls.

What's wrong with this boss? I curse his ancestors, and he gives me money?

This has to be some new kind of workplace manipulation...

Wait!

Could he really be able to hear me?!

Xiao Che: Tsk, the words Lin used to insult me today were a bit lacking. I guess I haven't given him enough rewards. Guards, open my private treasury!

Coming soon: Ordered to Talk Back

Xie Zhiwei was an office worker who put up with his incompetent boss for three whole years.

On the day he quit, he finally stopped pretending.

He let his boss have it for twenty full minutes, tearing into everything from his work ability to his behavior, and never repeating himself once.

Just as he reached the climax, his vision went black...

When he opened his eyes again, he was kneeling on the floor of the imperial study. The first thing he saw was an emperor wearing a dragon robe.

The emperor smiled. "I admire your eloquence. I'm in need of an investigating censor. You're the one for the job."

Xie Zhiwei: "..."

Xie Zhiwei never expected that after transmigrating, he'd end up in a life where he could insult his coworkers and talk back to his boss whenever he liked. In one word: satisfying.

With the emperor's approval, Xie Zhiwei finds all kinds of ways to roast people.

The officials at court are furious but don't dare say a word. Everyone knows the emperor put Xie Zhiwei up to it. Besides, they can't win an argument with him.

Later, Xie Zhiwei meets Pei Dinglan.

Pei Dinglan is a military general with a record of glorious victories and a reputation for decisiveness. That's what everyone at court believes, anyway.

But when Pei Dinglan opens his mouth, he's a chatterbox. "You're that foul-mouthed Xie Zhiwei? I heard you made Lord Wang cry. Can you help me curse someone out? No, wait, don't go yet! I'm not done! Do civil officials use five-character or seven-character lines when they insult people? I think invoking their ancestors has more impact. We should compare notes sometime."

Xie Zhiwei: "..."

What kind of general is this?

From then on, two new sights become familiar at court.

One is Xie Zhiwei: sarcastic, sharp beneath a mild exterior, and able to wound people to the heart without using a single curse word.

The other is Pei Dinglan: always ready with a remark, endlessly talkative, and capable of running from someone's ancestors to their not-yet-born grandchildren without taking a breath.

At first the two trade barbs, and everyone thinks they can finally relax. But then the pair get together, and even end up sharing a bed.

From then on, the officials at court are terrified. Xie Zhiwei finishes insulting someone, and Pei Dinglan picks up where he left off. Pei Dinglan finishes his rant, and Xie Zhiwei delivers the finishing blow.

The officials are all miserable, but the emperor is delighted. In his great joy, he presents the couple with a plaque.

[A Perfect Match Made in Heaven, Two Lovers Who Spout Sweet Nothings.]

Xie Zhiwei looks at the plaque. "Is His Majesty complimenting us?"

Pei Dinglan puts an arm around Xie Zhiwei's shoulders. "Aw, he forgot a tagline: 'A perfect pair who know how to curse.' It's missing something."

Xie Zhiwei: "..."

Theme: Don't let your thoughts eat you alive.