Well, when I read the first chapter, when I saw the sudden appearance of "JIA~", I suddenly wanted to say "". This is a conditioned reaction as a Japanese major student.
After reading the whole article, I was a little confused. Auntie told the truth, but she really didn't know what Xixi meant. What I want to ask is is this article based on animation? Or is it your own character setting? Because there are so many characters, my aunt still doesn't know who is who. Maybe I'm just confused. [It seems that it is. . .
There are also the following points that need attention in your writing:
1. Don't overly enhance the atmosphere and use gorgeous words to express emotions. Your lyricism most of the time actually delays the coherence of the plot of the entire article. It makes the plot of the article seem draggy. [Sometimes it is a good thing that your writing is brilliant, but if you use it in the wrong place, it will be a mistake.
2. The problem of punctuation marks. It is generally not appropriate to use "**********" symbols like this to represent time dividing lines in articles. I suggest Xixi that you just use one or two sentences to transition. Japanese comic fans may be able to accept such symbols, but ordinary readers may be annoyed and think that there is a problem with Xixi's chapter division. [Auntie, this is a kind reminder. This point is not directed at readers who are fans of Japanese comics. Just to take care of the feelings of ordinary readers]
3. The language needs to be more concise and concise. My aunt is not a professional commentator. From a reader's perspective, there are some places where your modified attributives are too long, causing readers a bit of confusion when reading the article. In fact, writing does not require great literary talents. It only requires you to express one thing or a story clearly, and then you use your own body to embellish the words and make the words full of emotion.
4. Deeply influenced by Japanese animation plots, the readership is narrow. This is reflected in your ability to connect context and context. Many times, Xixi, you "take it for granted" that readers know what you are thinking, and you "take it for granted" to write articles according to your own brain's thinking, instead of taking into account the readers' feelings when reading the article. Because of the connection problem, the coherence of the article is once again hindered. A good article may lose a large number of readers because of this.
Also, in terms of setting the characters in the article, you can shorten a few. Too much can be a bit messy. In terms of character description, there are many characters but it is difficult to describe. It is most likely that the supporting characters or cannon fodder have more roles than the protagonists. This will confuse the readers' eyes even more. You can select a few key points to describe, and leave the rest in one stroke. When it is necessary to be concise, be concise. But there is also a skill in simplicity, and it is not so easy to portray the image of a small supporting role. You should try your best to experience every word he says and imagine what you would say if you were that kind of person. In this case, it is estimated that the article will add more highlights.
Xixi, your language advantage has turned into a disadvantage when it comes to writing novels. It should be noted that novels are stories and plot-based things. You don't need to spend so much energy writing unnecessary words. The energy in writing those should be focused on emotional scenes, inner monologues and the like. This makes it a lot clearer.
Auntie suggests that you lock this article, revise it, make use of its strengths and avoid its weaknesses, and then post it again. After this, I estimate that this article will be even better.
This is the first completed post that Auntie Su saw after posting on BS.
Auntie collected it and will attach a long review tomorrow.
Xixi, what a sweet girl~~
Finally, I understood this article,
By the way, extra story~·~
The articles in this issue actually include three Vampire Knight fanfics. Lemon has fallen into the world of vampires and cannot extricate himself. I can dream of all the knights when I go to bed at night, and the lemon expression is extremely exciting.
Because JJ had been away from home for a while before, which delayed Ben Lemon's career in reading articles and writing reviews, the review was posted a little late, and I apologize for that from the author.
At first glance, the title felt a bit strange, and I basically didn't understand the meaning. After scanning the copy and seeing the keywords, Lemon MS understood. "Rin" should refer to the protagonist in the article, and "shang" probably refers to the sad emotion, which implies the aura of death. Perhaps it was because the word "sorrow" had been abused to a great extent in the past few years, so when Lemon saw this title, he felt somewhat defensive. However, after thinking calmly, I felt that the word "sorrow" is indeed more suitable for the anime "Vampire Knight".
Therefore, if it were not for the influence of the original misuse of the word "sorrow", Lemon felt that this title was appropriate. It not only pointed out the protagonist of the article, but also hinted at the tone and even the ending of the article.
The copywriting is mainly in dark colors from the cover to the annotations, giving readers a depressing atmosphere from a visual perspective, and it also follows the style of the original work very well. The text layout is also relatively clean and clear at a glance. But the only shortcoming is that the author may not have considered the highly myopic GN like lemon, so the text is set a bit small. Lemon feels that increasing the font size may look more comfortable.
The article is relatively short and is a novella (word count between 3W-10W). In terms of writing, medium-length articles are quite different from long-form articles and short-form articles, so the perspectives and focuses of comments are also different. Lemon said that this is the first novella I have reviewed, so there are some biases in the review, and the author is asked to point it out.
The biggest feeling this article gave me was that I didn't understand it after reading it for a long time. Other readers seem to feel the same way about this issue, as you can tell from the comments below. It was precisely because I didn't understand the plot of the article that I couldn't feel the so-called minor abuse. This made Lemon, who loves abuse articles, very disappointed. Analyzing this reason, it is probably due to the author's narrative method.
It can be seen from the first chapter that the author is very good at describing scenery, which is beautiful and vivid, which is very precious. However, precisely because the author spent a lot of pen and ink to exaggerate the artistic conception, he neglected the plot itself. After all, scenery is only used to enhance the atmosphere and cannot be used as the main body of the article. Excessive focus on the scenery will only make the article look gorgeous, but in fact it is empty.
In addition, the author is very fond of showing the plot in a very obscure way. This makes the already unclear plot even more hazy, and the reader is left in a fog, unable to figure out what to do. Lemon understands that the author wants to depict a mysterious and suspenseful atmosphere, but it must be said that this description method is very unsuccessful.
There is nothing wrong with wanting readers to feel the mystery, but before constructing the mystery, you must first make the existing story clear to everyone. For example, the relationship, background, and current situation of the characters, including what is happening, and what can be left for suspense can be the characters' past, their ties to each other, or their future direction. Only on the basis of clarity is it possible to remain mysterious. If everything is mysterious, then readers will only be confused and have no idea what the author is talking about.
Although gorgeous words can add luster to an article, straightforward writing techniques can help readers understand the story and highlight the main line. Moreover, only by using line drawing can the beauty of those sentences be reflected. If you choose those beautiful sentences throughout the whole article, in addition to making people feel aesthetic fatigue, it will also make people have the idea of piling up rhetoric and being flashy.
Fast is relative to slow, high is relative to short. Only by using one thing as a bedding can another thing stand out. At the same time, the combination of fast and slow, and the staggered heights and lows can reflect the true beauty. Uniformly fast and uniformly high, people cannot detect the speed and height. Therefore, the beauty of an article does not lie in the whole article, but in one or two sentences, which is often said to be the "finishing touch".
It is recommended that the author should not overly pursue the exquisiteness of each sentence, but should focus on the plot and characters of the novel. Only use gorgeous sentences in key places, and the rest of the description should still tend to be dull.
The most important thing in a novel is the plot. To put it bluntly, it lets readers know that the author wants to write a magical story. Only by understanding what the author is thinking can readers have the energy to appreciate those exquisite words and sentences. If the story itself is not understood, the reader will not devote energy to appreciate it. On the contrary, they may silently make comments.
In addition, the author prefers to use pronouns in his writing, such as "he" and "she", which should be avoided as much as possible in scenes with many characters. When the author writes, he has characters in mind, and the author himself knows the referents of "him" and "her". However, there is no picture constructed by the author in the reader's mind, and the reader needs to reconstruct the scene through words. Thus, vague pronouns make it unclear what person they refer to. This unclear reference will not only further aggravate the ambiguity and haziness of the plot, but also make the already unclear story even more confusing.
Generally speaking, the author is good at describing scenery and other details, and prefers to use gorgeous words. However, the plot is not clear, the main line is not obvious, and he even needs to leave a special message at the bottom of the text, so that the emotions originally intended to be expressed are not fully reflected. In addition, the characters are not very full-bodied, but their appearance is very detailed, but they are slightly lacking in other aspects.
It is recommended that the author read more good articles, especially learn other people's narrative methods and learn how to explain one thing clearly.
The above is Lemon's comment. If there is anything inappropriate, please point it out to the author and we will discuss it and make progress together.
Lure lemon
February 27, 2011
Cup meow?! ~Want to cry... Ben——
... So this is the legendary ending, huh~ (grinds his teeth and sneers) Is this the ending! Is this it! Xiaoxi!!!! Okay, I admit it may be a small ending. But I always feel like something is missing... (Sadly) What should I do? Xiaoxi, you should give me an explanation! No matter what, I have to modify it or something, but it always feels like it's unfinished. But I feel like I can't write anything anymore, and this seems to be the best ending. What a worry!
It looks like a mess, Sister Xi, Momo feels depressed
The article is very good, but can you update it quickly? ^_^O~ Work hard!
Throw flowers, come on!! Xiaoxi, let's do some writing during the winter vacation!!
Why is "desire" not harmonized? It is clearly harmonized in many works. Xiaoxi, are you a child favored by Jinjiang? (囧) Ah, as for the chapter before the finale, no one believes it, Xiaoxi, don't deceive yourself~ If the ending comes suddenly and easily like this, it will be really scary and it will be unfinished!! Xiaoxi, you will have nightmares every day about the pointer not being updated!! (Or is it more terrifying to dream about the day-changing hands?) So, Xiaoxi, you should work harder to turn this into a full-length novel! Come on Xiaoxi~
Also, in the previous chapter, people obviously thought that Xiao Xi was quite cute and like a mother. As soon as you replied, I immediately thought, "Oh, it turns out that Xiao Xi is also quite bad. It turns out that Xiao Xi is not really that unbearable. It turns out that Xiao Xi also has the potential to be abusive... And so on. However, Xiao Xi, your spirit is still worthy of praise. Tianyuan is indeed not successful without abuse, so don't be careless!
Well, when I read the first chapter, when I saw the sudden appearance of "JIA~", I suddenly wanted to say "". This is a conditioned reaction as a Japanese major student. After reading the whole article, I was a little confused. Auntie told the truth, but she really didn't know what Xixi meant. What I want to ask is is this article based on animation? Or is it your own character setting? Because there are so many characters, my aunt still doesn't know who is who. Maybe I'm just confused. [It seems that it is. . . There are also the following points that need attention in your writing: 1. Don't overly enhance the atmosphere and use gorgeous words to express emotions. Your lyricism most of the time actually delays the coherence of the plot of the entire article. It makes the plot of the article seem draggy. [Sometimes it is a good thing that your writing is brilliant, but if you use it in the wrong place, it will be a mistake. 2. The problem of punctuation marks. It is generally not appropriate to use "**********" symbols like this to represent time dividing lines in articles. I suggest Xixi that you just use one or two sentences to transition. Japanese comic fans may be able to accept such symbols, but ordinary readers may be annoyed and think that there is a problem with Xixi's chapter division. [Auntie, this is a kind reminder. This point is not directed at readers who are fans of Japanese comics. Just to take care of the feelings of ordinary readers] 3. The language needs to be more concise and concise. My aunt is not a professional commentator. From a reader's perspective, there are some places where your modified attributives are too long, causing readers a bit of confusion when reading the article. In fact, writing does not require great literary talents. It only requires you to express one thing or a story clearly, and then you use your own body to embellish the words and make the words full of emotion. 4. Deeply influenced by Japanese animation plots, the readership is narrow. This is reflected in your ability to connect context and context. Many times, Xixi, you "take it for granted" that readers know what you are thinking, and you "take it for granted" to write articles according to your own brain's thinking, instead of taking into account the readers' feelings when reading the article. Because of the connection problem, the coherence of the article is once again hindered. A good article may lose a large number of readers because of this. Also, in terms of setting the characters in the article, you can shorten a few. Too much can be a bit messy. In terms of character description, there are many characters but it is difficult to describe. It is most likely that the supporting characters or cannon fodder have more roles than the protagonists. This will confuse the readers' eyes even more. You can select a few key points to describe, and leave the rest in one stroke. When it is necessary to be concise, be concise. But there is also a skill in simplicity, and it is not so easy to portray the image of a small supporting role. You should try your best to experience every word he says and imagine what you would say if you were that kind of person. In this case, it is estimated that the article will add more highlights. Xixi, your language advantage has turned into a disadvantage when it comes to writing novels. It should be noted that novels are stories and plot-based things. You don't need to spend so much energy writing unnecessary words. The energy in writing those should be focused on emotional scenes, inner monologues and the like. This makes it a lot clearer. Auntie suggests that you lock this article, revise it, make use of its strengths and avoid its weaknesses, and then post it again. After this, I estimate that this article will be even better.
This is the first completed post that Auntie Su saw after posting on BS. Auntie collected it and will attach a long review tomorrow. Xixi, what a sweet girl~~
Finally, I understood this article, By the way, extra story~·~
The articles in this issue actually include three Vampire Knight fanfics. Lemon has fallen into the world of vampires and cannot extricate himself. I can dream of all the knights when I go to bed at night, and the lemon expression is extremely exciting. Because JJ had been away from home for a while before, which delayed Ben Lemon's career in reading articles and writing reviews, the review was posted a little late, and I apologize for that from the author. At first glance, the title felt a bit strange, and I basically didn't understand the meaning. After scanning the copy and seeing the keywords, Lemon MS understood. "Rin" should refer to the protagonist in the article, and "shang" probably refers to the sad emotion, which implies the aura of death. Perhaps it was because the word "sorrow" had been abused to a great extent in the past few years, so when Lemon saw this title, he felt somewhat defensive. However, after thinking calmly, I felt that the word "sorrow" is indeed more suitable for the anime "Vampire Knight". Therefore, if it were not for the influence of the original misuse of the word "sorrow", Lemon felt that this title was appropriate. It not only pointed out the protagonist of the article, but also hinted at the tone and even the ending of the article. The copywriting is mainly in dark colors from the cover to the annotations, giving readers a depressing atmosphere from a visual perspective, and it also follows the style of the original work very well. The text layout is also relatively clean and clear at a glance. But the only shortcoming is that the author may not have considered the highly myopic GN like lemon, so the text is set a bit small. Lemon feels that increasing the font size may look more comfortable. The article is relatively short and is a novella (word count between 3W-10W). In terms of writing, medium-length articles are quite different from long-form articles and short-form articles, so the perspectives and focuses of comments are also different. Lemon said that this is the first novella I have reviewed, so there are some biases in the review, and the author is asked to point it out. The biggest feeling this article gave me was that I didn't understand it after reading it for a long time. Other readers seem to feel the same way about this issue, as you can tell from the comments below. It was precisely because I didn't understand the plot of the article that I couldn't feel the so-called minor abuse. This made Lemon, who loves abuse articles, very disappointed. Analyzing this reason, it is probably due to the author's narrative method. It can be seen from the first chapter that the author is very good at describing scenery, which is beautiful and vivid, which is very precious. However, precisely because the author spent a lot of pen and ink to exaggerate the artistic conception, he neglected the plot itself. After all, scenery is only used to enhance the atmosphere and cannot be used as the main body of the article. Excessive focus on the scenery will only make the article look gorgeous, but in fact it is empty. In addition, the author is very fond of showing the plot in a very obscure way. This makes the already unclear plot even more hazy, and the reader is left in a fog, unable to figure out what to do. Lemon understands that the author wants to depict a mysterious and suspenseful atmosphere, but it must be said that this description method is very unsuccessful. There is nothing wrong with wanting readers to feel the mystery, but before constructing the mystery, you must first make the existing story clear to everyone. For example, the relationship, background, and current situation of the characters, including what is happening, and what can be left for suspense can be the characters' past, their ties to each other, or their future direction. Only on the basis of clarity is it possible to remain mysterious. If everything is mysterious, then readers will only be confused and have no idea what the author is talking about. Although gorgeous words can add luster to an article, straightforward writing techniques can help readers understand the story and highlight the main line. Moreover, only by using line drawing can the beauty of those sentences be reflected. If you choose those beautiful sentences throughout the whole article, in addition to making people feel aesthetic fatigue, it will also make people have the idea of piling up rhetoric and being flashy. Fast is relative to slow, high is relative to short. Only by using one thing as a bedding can another thing stand out. At the same time, the combination of fast and slow, and the staggered heights and lows can reflect the true beauty. Uniformly fast and uniformly high, people cannot detect the speed and height. Therefore, the beauty of an article does not lie in the whole article, but in one or two sentences, which is often said to be the "finishing touch". It is recommended that the author should not overly pursue the exquisiteness of each sentence, but should focus on the plot and characters of the novel. Only use gorgeous sentences in key places, and the rest of the description should still tend to be dull. The most important thing in a novel is the plot. To put it bluntly, it lets readers know that the author wants to write a magical story. Only by understanding what the author is thinking can readers have the energy to appreciate those exquisite words and sentences. If the story itself is not understood, the reader will not devote energy to appreciate it. On the contrary, they may silently make comments. In addition, the author prefers to use pronouns in his writing, such as "he" and "she", which should be avoided as much as possible in scenes with many characters. When the author writes, he has characters in mind, and the author himself knows the referents of "him" and "her". However, there is no picture constructed by the author in the reader's mind, and the reader needs to reconstruct the scene through words. Thus, vague pronouns make it unclear what person they refer to. This unclear reference will not only further aggravate the ambiguity and haziness of the plot, but also make the already unclear story even more confusing. Generally speaking, the author is good at describing scenery and other details, and prefers to use gorgeous words. However, the plot is not clear, the main line is not obvious, and he even needs to leave a special message at the bottom of the text, so that the emotions originally intended to be expressed are not fully reflected. In addition, the characters are not very full-bodied, but their appearance is very detailed, but they are slightly lacking in other aspects. It is recommended that the author read more good articles, especially learn other people's narrative methods and learn how to explain one thing clearly. The above is Lemon's comment. If there is anything inappropriate, please point it out to the author and we will discuss it and make progress together. Lure lemon February 27, 2011
Cup meow?! ~Want to cry... Ben——
... So this is the legendary ending, huh~ (grinds his teeth and sneers) Is this the ending! Is this it! Xiaoxi!!!! Okay, I admit it may be a small ending. But I always feel like something is missing... (Sadly) What should I do? Xiaoxi, you should give me an explanation! No matter what, I have to modify it or something, but it always feels like it's unfinished. But I feel like I can't write anything anymore, and this seems to be the best ending. What a worry!
It looks like a mess, Sister Xi, Momo feels depressed
The article is very good, but can you update it quickly? ^_^O~ Work hard!
Throw flowers, come on!! Xiaoxi, let's do some writing during the winter vacation!!
Why is "desire" not harmonized? It is clearly harmonized in many works. Xiaoxi, are you a child favored by Jinjiang? (囧) Ah, as for the chapter before the finale, no one believes it, Xiaoxi, don't deceive yourself~ If the ending comes suddenly and easily like this, it will be really scary and it will be unfinished!! Xiaoxi, you will have nightmares every day about the pointer not being updated!! (Or is it more terrifying to dream about the day-changing hands?) So, Xiaoxi, you should work harder to turn this into a full-length novel! Come on Xiaoxi~ Also, in the previous chapter, people obviously thought that Xiao Xi was quite cute and like a mother. As soon as you replied, I immediately thought, "Oh, it turns out that Xiao Xi is also quite bad. It turns out that Xiao Xi is not really that unbearable. It turns out that Xiao Xi also has the potential to be abusive... And so on. However, Xiao Xi, your spirit is still worthy of praise. Tianyuan is indeed not successful without abuse, so don't be careless!