I want to tell you the deepest words I want to say, but I don't dare because I'm afraid you will laugh.
So I laughed at myself, breaking my secret in jest.
I make my pain easy because I'm afraid you will do the same.
I want to tell you the truest words I want to say, but I don't dare because I'm afraid you won't believe it.
So I pretended to be true and said the opposite of what I really meant.
I make my pain look ridiculous because I'm afraid you'll do it
I want to use the most precious noun to describe you, but I don't dare. I'm afraid I won't get adequate reward.
So I gave you a harsh name to show off my pride
I hurt you because I'm afraid you'll never know my pain
I long to sit beside you silently, but I dare not, for fear that my heart will jump to my lips.
So I talk easily, hiding my heart behind words
I treat my pain harshly because I'm afraid you'll do the same
I long to walk away from you, but I dare not, for fear that you will see my cowardice
Therefore, I casually walked in front of you with my head held high
The constant stimulation from your eyes makes my pain always fresh
——Tagore's "The Gardener"
Rabindranath Tagore, Gardener 41
Basically, it's an awkward story that fits this feeling, haha - -