The Slacker's Tale of the Imperial Harem

Kang Wusi spent thirty years as an office drone. On his first time traveling, he became a young lord. He thought he could finally lie flat and enjoy the decadent lifestyle of the exploiting class.

But after only a few days of good living, he was packed off abroad, ostensibly for an exchange program, but in reality to serve as a hostage in a neighboring kingdom.

Now he could lie even flatter.

The neighboring kingdom saw that he had no ambition and posed no threat, so they couldn't be bothered to make things difficult for him. They gave him a courtyard and sent food and drink on schedule, as if keeping a bored lodger.

Kang Wusi was more than happy with that. He spent all day lying in the courtyard, basking in the sun and thinking about what to eat today and what time to wake up tomorrow, taking the art of lying flat to its fullest.

If he ever couldn't sleep at night, or wasn't sleeping well, he'd go sit in the academy and listen to the old scholar lecture about classical Chinese particles. The soporific cadence helped him get a decent nap.

If he ever got bored with his life as a kept parasite in a foreign land, there was a perfect source of inspiration: the ninth prince, Li Xin, whom the emperor despised most and had thrown into the cold palace to fend for himself. He could watch Li Xin eat chaff and greens, living a life more pitiful than a little cabbage.

After seeing that, Kang Wusi would immediately feel that a hostage's life, with food, drink, shelter, and someone to support him, was practically heaven.

He could lie flat without a guilty conscience again.

He thought their balanced arrangement would go on forever: Li Xin could be miserable, and he could lie flat.

Until one day, everything inside and outside the palace walls changed, and the cries of slaughter shook the sky.

The pitiful ninth prince Li Xin, whom Kang Wusi had used as his inspiration, carved a bloody path to the throne amid a storm of bloodshed and became emperor.

The new emperor, dressed in black imperial robes, found Kang Wusi hiding in the humble courtyard where he had once lived as a hostage, still trying to make sense of what was happening.

Li Xin dismissed his attendants.

"Kang Wusi, I will give you two choices."

"Become one of my harem, or serve in my court."

Kang Wusi was stunned for a moment.

One of the harem? That sounded like he'd have to use his looks to please someone, and his backside would be in danger.

Serve in court? That meant becoming an official and attending court, didn't it?

He'd have to get up before dawn, rush to the palace gates under the stars, and line up in the freezing wind or blistering heat to attend court...

No. Absolutely not.

Court began far too early.

There was no way he could get up!

*

And so he lay even flatter. At first, life screwed him over; later, Li Xin did.

Later, Kang Wusi got bored and wanted to write a biography. Then he remembered he was part of the harem and started writing a memoir about a laid-back member of the imperial harem. But as he kept writing, he realized that aside from Li Xin, he was the only one in the harem. How was that any different from a record of the emperor and empress's daily life? One day in the study, the next in the garden...

The bottom truly lies flat all the way to the pinnacle of life.

Theme: Happy days.