American Horror Story Crossover: Bringing Maoshan-Style Terror to the West

My name is Lin An, and I’m a proper Maoshan Taoist priest. In the world of My Date with a Vampire, I studied under Uncle Qiu, drank with Kuang Tianyou, helped Ma Xiaoling fight zombies, and witnessed the epic romance between a human and a vampire. I survived Nuwa’s attempt to destroy the world, made it to the finale, captured Destiny, and watched the Eternal Kingdom descend. Then, bam! I transmigrated again! This time, I became a Chinese American police officer in the Los Angeles Robbery-Homicide Division. To be honest, this world feels a little off. My colleagues are investigating a murder house no one can ever escape. My new neighbor keeps combing her hair in front of the TV in the middle of the night. A hulking, unblinking masked killer lives in the woods by the lake, and a clown in the suburbs wakes up every 27 years to eat children… Watching those handsome men and beautiful women who refuse to believe the truth and keep recklessly courting death, the fallen, deranged priest, and the demons who grin smugly as if they’re invincible, I silently light three sticks of incense. Great Ancestor, your disciple Lin An will show these foreign devils what authentic Maoshan Taoist arts look like! Fight zombies? I know more about what it means to be “stiff” than you do. Exorcisms? That’ll cost extra! No, wait, let me warm up first! Chasing women? Don’t make the first move, don’t turn anyone down? Wrong! Take the initiative and turn nobody away, but if you sleep with someone, you’re responsible for them! Taoist arts are meant to be used, not worshipped. You only need to summon a god when your fists can’t reach. And I like places where my fists can reach best.