Stop Hustling, the Cyber Buddha Will Handle It

My roommate posted a high-profile marriage ad for me on the campus confession wall. I retaliated by using his photo to create an account on the “International Autism Unfreezing Dating Network.”

The next day, his face had been Photoshopped onto a Buddha reaction image from the Journey to the West sequel, captioned “My Buddha only saves those with yuan,” and it went viral across campus.

Furious, he started a livestream in our dorm to argue with people. I quietly switched to an alt account and sent him a “power up for love” gift.

The livestream was suddenly shut down for “spreading abstract culture and harming the development of campus spiritual civilization.”

When the school administrators called us in for a talk, I pointed at my roommate and said earnestly, “Teacher, he’s seriously ill. I’m helping him with art therapy.”

A week later, the “Cyber Merit-Accumulating Wooden Fish” app we’d built together shot to the top of the campus forum’s trending list. The principal tried it himself and gave the app his approval: “It’s ridiculous, but it can count toward innovation and entrepreneurship credits.”

Later, when investors came knocking, my roommate asked me nervously, “Man, does this count as scamming people for money?”

I opened my phone. The screen showed the latest trending hashtag: #NewSocialCurrency.

“No,” I said, gazing gravely into the distance. “We’re saving all living beings in cyberspace.”