Star Lord, Please Bind Yourself to Me

"Uncle-Master, this is terrible! Senior Sister Danqing has been carried off by a monster!" the junior disciple says, hurrying back in a panic. It's fine. She's not Tang Seng. She'll fight her way back. A few days later: "Uncle-Master, Senior Sister Danqing has been carried off by a monster again." Oh. What the heck! I've never been offline for ten thousand years, so why do new monsters keep showing up as soon as the old ones are gone? Danqing staggers back in a sorry state, grits her teeth, and slaps a notice onto the gate of Zhiwei Temple: Desperately seeking someone with a taunt-worthy face who can withstand harassment. Must be able to ascend to the immortal realm and descend into the demonic path, be elegant in the parlor and capable in the kitchen. I can heal, deal DPS, play dead, and come back from the dead. I'm not rich or beautiful, so I have nothing to offer but myself. Lastly, anyone who plays with my feelings gets hunted down!