Professional Best Friend

“Miss, is something troubling you?”

“I...”

“Hold on. First, let me be clear: I’m a professional best friend, and my rates are fixed. A chat to lift your spirits starts at one hundred taels. Solving your problems starts at five hundred. Making your dreams come true starts at one thousand. Think it over: which service would you like?”

“I...”

“Don’t worry. Our clients are all over the country. In Luoyang, our regulars range from merchants’ daughters to imperial relatives, even princesses. Our gold-lettered sign guarantees our reputation.”

“You...”

“Go on, tell me: catch a homewrecker, get rid of a hidden ailment. Whatever your problem is, we can solve it.”

“I...”

“Great, I understand. Pay up first!”

[Things get unusual after Volume Three, so proceed with caution.]

“Your Excellency, you’ve come to me too? All right, humans have their troubles, and spirits have theirs. You’re a spirit, right? Hand over the money, and I’ll do business with you just the same!”

“Doolooloo.”

“What? You don’t use money? No problem, treasures will do, or immortal pills. Hand them over and I’ll appraise them first!”