I Became a VIP User of the Most Powerful System in the Universe

Finished reading the first three chapters. Let's mainly talk about a few questions. Firstly, it's a little sloppy, or very dry, the dialogue is one word after another, and the visual sense is not very strong, especially the bar fight scene, which should have been interesting, but because of the lack of feeling, it felt a bit awkward to write. The second thing is that the writing is too trivial. The first three chapters are too long, but some things can actually be shortened. The first and second chapters are both sixteen pages, but they don't feel suitable. I personally suggest that you delete some and streamline them. Especially some of the PS (postscript), I don't think it is necessary to write these. If it is a very important setting, I suggest you write it in the "Author's Notes" directly before posting the article. Or create a separate chapter and write about it related to the work. For example, if the universe surveillance center where the protagonist works is an important setting (important here refers to something that will always be a clue in the subsequent plot), I think it is still necessary for you to write it down (although writing it directly in PS seems to be a bit deliberately telling the readers.) But if it is the access control function of the bar, I think you can completely say that with the development of science and technology, manpower is no longer needed to manage the access control function. Such a similar sentence has said it, and there is no need to introduce it in such detail. It's not necessary. The second is the relationship between the male protagonist and the female character. How should I put it, it still lacks realism. It is understandable that some dialogues try to portray the style of two people joking and chatting, but it is too fast to say that it is better to go to the male protagonist's house. I feel that I just lost my job and the protagonist is too optimistic. I think this part of the plot needs you to add a little more protagonist. Changes in thinking (such as encouraging yourself, or writing that you will not regret for taking action against those gangsters, and describing the character's integrity), and the girl felt a little guilty, so she chatted with the protagonist jokingly, and boldly accompanied the protagonist back, intending to compensate for these reasonable reasons, making it more reasonable for the two of them to go back together. To put it bluntly, it is progressing too fast and lacking some necessary rationality. This is also something that you need to pay attention to when writing. These are the big problems for the time being. The others are small problems such as typos. Remember to read it again after you finish writing. The above are some of my personal opinions after reading the first three chapters.

Dear book friends, please support me! I will insist on finishing the book. If you have any ideas, you can give me some suggestions. Thank you!

Already collected, read slowly and work hard! Welcome to return and give advice!

Come on, boss, please come back for guidance.

Come on! Author! Awesome!

The disser master is here to bubble up, come on