My Divine Majesty

Scheming, sweet-talking emperor top × fiery, food-protective deity bottom

A little emperor named Xiao Shuo lives at the General's Temple in the western suburbs of the capital, mooching meals.

Xiao Shuo is Liang's famously powerless puppet emperor.

The previous emperor had no sons, so a distant, impoverished relative was chosen to succeed him. Xiao Shuo had no power base to begin with.

Then he was thrown straight into the deep end.

Three powerful ministers held sway at court, each harboring ambitions of usurpation. The Empress Dowager and her family dominated the imperial harem, where poisoned food and forced kneeling were everyday occurrences.

So if he managed to get even one hot meal in the palace without poison in it, he had to thank the heavens!

Then, when he was eight, everyone fought over who would be sent to the National Temple. He volunteered to be sent to worship the General instead.

That's when he discovered that the General was a good man. Whenever no one was around, osmanthus cakes and jujube pastries rolled into his sleeves one after another, stopping only when his cheeks were stuffed full.

Why take refuge in Buddhism when you can take refuge in food?

General, here I come!

Xiao Shuo promptly packed his things and moved into the temple, spending half the year there eating the General's offerings.

The ministers called him crazy? The Empress Dowager rolled her eyes?

"I'm a puppet either way. What difference does it make if I'm crazy?"

The young emperor knelt on a prayer cushion, chewing on an offering as he scoffed.

Until one spring when he was fifteen, he searched the offering table and found only a single peanut.

Xiao Shuo sighed as he peeled it. "General, you can't even afford to offer me pastries anymore. Should I find somewhere else to mooch meals?"

Bang!

A finger from the golden statue fell and struck his forehead, making his head ring!

A translucent young man's apparition grabbed him by the collar.

"You little brat! I fed you for nine years, and this is how you repay me? The emperor squats here and claims the temple as his own. Who'd dare come here?"

The fifteen-year-old emperor held the gold and looked up with a smile.

"Thank you for the gift, General. I'll go buy lion's head meatballs, and get you a serving too."

The deity clasped his hands and snorted.

"And get another serving of those crab roe buns from last time, with vinegar."

The Book of Chen, Annals of Emperor Zhao, Shuo

One day, as the emperor discussed military affairs with the northern tribes, a strong gust of wind blew. A sound of something slicing through the air came from the seat above, and the emperor's face turned red.

The assembled generals were alarmed for the emperor and cried, "Your Majesty!"

The emperor alone remained calm and said, "My wife is displeased. It's nothing."

Yet throughout Emperor Zhao's reign, the throne remained vacant, and there were no consorts in the inner palace.

Theme: Keep a level head.