[Harry Potter] I Can Fail, but Not the Exam

Blurb, written after drinking a beverage that makes you talk nonsense:

In her previous life, Matilda Bones dropped dead on the 120th day of studying for the teacher recruitment exam. In this life, she was determined to take back everything that belonged to her.

Why should she be the only one worked to death?

The entire Wizarding World, get ready to study yourselves to the bone!!!

Matilda knocked on the Headmaster's Office door and earnestly pleaded her case, tears streaming down her face. From then on, all the teachers began holding weekly teaching seminars, and Hogwarts got its own comprehensive study guides, top-student notes, and five-year O.W.L. and two-year N.E.W.T. prep books.

On the preface page of every book, chief editor Matilda Bones repeated her exclusive brainwashing slogan:

“Master this book, and you’ll outdo You-Know-Who.”

Behind several thick layers of purple scarves, Voldemort panted furiously. Passing students pointed at Quirrell’s head. “Did Professor Quirrell wrap a humidifier in his turban?”

Quirrell: “...”

But Matilda still wasn’t satisfied. If you and I don’t study ourselves to the bone today, the Death Eaters will work us to death tomorrow!

So, as soon as she started her third year, she hurriedly scooped up the big black dog lurking near the Whomping Willow. “I’ll help you catch Peter Pettigrew. You and Lupin can help me research something.”

Sirius: “?”

From then on, Hogwarts got its own WeChat groups, class groups, online learning platforms, MOOCs, and school forums.

Studying too much can make you sick of it, but with a war on the horizon, how could they raise their chances of survival without working hard?

Matilda pondered this for days, scratched a pear, slipped into the kitchens, and held a meeting with the House-elves.

From then on, Hogwarts, Hogsmeade, and Diagon Alley all got their own Boya Juexian grape ice cream teas and coconut lattes.

The young witches and wizards drank when they got tired of studying, then studied after drinking. They worked so hard that the entire Department of Magical Education had to move into a larger office.

On the day of the Battle of Hogwarts, Voldemort grinned from ear to ear as he boasted, “Harry Potter is dead!” He also invited the students to join them.

Neville stood at the front, raised the Sword of Gryffindor, and shouted, “The Death Eaters don’t have civil service jobs! We will never surrender!”

Voldemort: “...?”

Voldemort: What is wrong with you people???

Blurb, written after shockingly biting through a Rock Cake:

After the Battle of Hogwarts was won, reporters stopped Matilda as she hurried home to catch up on sleep.

Reporter: “Miss Bones, as one of the heroes who defeated the Dark Lord, what do you think was the key to our victory?”

“Education.” Matilda yawned into the microphone. “The power of education.”

“In first year, we transferred Quirrell to the academic affairs office to compile study guides.

In second year, we dragged the Death Eater parents into parent-teacher meetings to learn parenting tips.

In third year, we continued teaching the Death Eater parents how to use apps.

In fourth year, we made Barty Crouch Jr. get a teaching certificate.

In fifth year, we had Umbridge judge a teaching excellence competition.

In sixth year, we published a biography of Voldemort, with plenty of embellishments, to get the Death Eaters into the habit of reading.”

Matilda: “And then we won.”

Reporter: “?”

Reading Guide:

1. The heroine is a half-blood Gryffindor. Her pairing is Snape. This is a happy-ending, next-generation slice-of-life story, and everyone survives, except people like Regulus who died before the heroine was born. The plot includes plenty of original details.

2. This story was inspired by a burst of creativity during a period when the author was studying so hard they went crazy. After starting work, they somehow got even crazier. It’s all for laughs and stress relief. The heroine is the type who says, “I got rained on, so I’m going to tear up everyone else’s umbrellas.” The educational opinions and methods in the story do not represent the author’s own beliefs. It’s all for comedy and stress relief, so please don’t take it seriously!!!

3. There’s plenty of unhinged writing and Chinese internet humor. It absolutely does not follow the original’s style and goes completely off the rails. If the style doesn’t suit you after a few sample chapters, please stop reading.

4. A disclaimer: At first, the heroine treats the main characters more like NPCs. She’ll grow and change later. I won’t say more because of spoilers. Anyway, it’s not that the author has anything against the original characters.

5. Written for love, updates whenever inspiration strikes.

There’s another, less crazy fanfic in my collection, [Harry Potter] Tonight, I’m the Seer. It’s also paired with Snape. If you’re interested, please add it to your favorites!

Theme: Those who study hard will win!