How to Make Hot Guys Love Me but Never Have Me

[Warning: Dutiful-wife tropes, very little groveling, every world has a bad ending] A strange dating app appeared on Dazai's phone. After several failed attempts to delete it, he tapped into it with great interest. "Wow, there are so many options to customize!" "I'll set the looks to almost max. As for intelligence, being a little stupid might be cute, but turning into a slug would be annoying. Average, then... Housekeeping and physical fitness don't matter, so I'll randomize them... The 'amiable' personality is fixed and can't be changed. That just leaves luck..." "I wonder how unlucky someone can get?" He grinned and casually set her luck to zero. The next day, a girl with dazzling beauty knocked on his door. As it turned out, a luck score of zero really was unlucky. Even though she randomly got an extremely high physical fitness score, she still tripped on flat ground, lost money every time she went out, and the people she tried to help were always bad people. She did all the housework, was good at cooking, never pried into her housemate's job, and learned first aid for his sake. She could even pick up a gun after taking off her apron... She was the perfect lover, loyal to the end. Until one day, Dazai was eating a lovingly packed lunch at the detective agency when he saw her black-and-white photo on the television. "At three this afternoon, an armed robbery took place at the central bank. Eight people were slightly injured, and one person died." "The robber who fired the gun claimed he hadn't pointed it at the victim. Witnesses said the victim stumbled after bumping into something, and was struck in the heart by a bullet that went off accidentally." Just how unlucky could someone with a luck score of zero be? She ultimately died because of one of his mischievous settings. But that wasn't the end of it. The instant she died, Maro Koharu was bound to a System. To come back to life, she had to collect emotional energy from designated targets. A detective agency member who loved jumping into water, the strongest in the world of jujutsu, a mafia executive, the winery's top assassin... The only secret identities the System could provide were people in the real world who were already dead or close to death. Some had been mistakenly killed while serving as bait to draw out a murderer; some had died after being transformed into nonhumans by a curse; others had lost their families in mafia crossfire and died of illness. She had to choose a form that suited them, resembled someone they had some connection to, and appealed to their tastes, then make them fall in love with her. Things to know before reading: * Depending on the plot, some original characters will not be killed off. If that bothers you, please leave now. * Everyone understands the characters differently. You don't have to like them, but please don't attack others over it. * The author is sensitive and doesn't accept writing advice. If you don't like it, please leave quietly. * Please don't mention other works or authors in the comments, and vice versa. * Finally, enjoy reading! When a Secret Identity-Fic Author Gets Trapped in a Secret Identity Fic As a twenty-fourth-tier writer on Green River, he started writing a secret identity fic to ride the latest trend. Unfortunately, the market was crowded, so he decided to win by sheer volume! To grab readers' attention, he turned his protagonist into a 007-level wage slave with countless split personalities and secret identities, juggling work and troublemaking. He shoehorned in characters with no connection whatsoever, and invented a heartbreaking, tearjerking backstory for every secret identity. The author happily counted his royalties as readers cried in the comments. Who remembered the man behind it all, the real protagonist whose name everyone had forgotten? The resentment of an overworked wage slave, combined with an unscrupulous author's comeuppance, came fast. He woke up as that unfortunate protagonist, with no raise, no sleep, and no presence. ...Who the hell wants to be this miserable, split-personality wage slave?! He immediately went on strike and quit, determined to get all his secret identities offstage as quickly as possible and finally live a carefree life in his own novel! Wait, why are they looking at him even more strangely now? The unfamiliar ability users who had suddenly appeared in Japan, itching to cause trouble, vanished overnight, as if they'd all abruptly stopped doing their jobs. The boy who kept running into Gojo Satoru, always looking troubled and on the verge of saying something, began avoiding him; The low-level clerk at the Armed Detective Agency, who used to have a gloomy, melodramatic chuunibyou streak, handed in his resignation letter with his one good eye full of world-weary resignation; The Hell Correspondence, once popular among students, proved a fleeting fad, while the magical girl who guarded lost souls at night became an urban legend... But when all the secret identities collectively stopped causing trouble, the people they had once provoked came after him instead. He had brought this on himself, so he could only keep acting through his tears. "Sorry, I don't know you. What... cursed spirits?! Wasn't Menma just a hallucination only I could see?" "Superpowers aren't a way to cheat, and this world doesn't need miracles. If possible, please just treat me like an ordinary person." "Human hatred has no end. I'm tired of watching this ugly spectacle." "Welcome to the Magic (Girl) Cafe!" Theme: Don't blindly believe what others say