A long, long time later, Liang Yuhuai finally worked up the courage to ask An'an, "Why did you get together with Old Zhou back then?"
"No reason!" An'an's eyes darkened, and she dodged the question with a careless answer.
"Did you love Old Zhou that much?" Liang Yuhuai figured that since he'd asked, he had to get the answer he wanted.
"Hahaha, what love?" An'an suddenly burst out laughing. "You know, Old Zhou had a lot of money back then. A whole lot..."
"Oh, so you were after his money!" Liang Yuhuai was quick to jump in. After all, that was the answer he'd believed for decades. Hearing An'an say it gave him a feeling he couldn't describe: relief and sorrow, joy and shame.
"I guess you could say that... Old Zhou was so rich, and he was willing to spend money on me. Even if what he spent on me was just a drop in the ocean, he still did spend it on me." An'an's voice grew very quiet, almost a murmur. "You know, I felt like the sky was about to fall in back then. Everyone told me, 'An'an, you have to stay strong. You can get through this.' Only Old Zhou said, 'An'an, my heart aches for you. Come here, let me hold you.' I'm grateful to all of you, my kind friends, for comforting me, but I really did need a shoulder to lean on back then. I know what I did was pretty shameful, so I deserved to be condemned for all these years." She said the last sentence briskly. After being condemned for so long, her pride had changed. Maybe she'd realized even earlier that you couldn't eat pride for dinner.
The secret delight Liang Yuhuai had felt vanished without a trace. An'an hadn't blamed him at all, yet he finally understood how hateful his high-and-mighty sense of propriety and shame had been.
What Liang Yuhuai didn't say was, An'an, I wanted to hold you back then, too, but I thought I wasn't worthy of you.
I wanted to hold you, too.
But what Liang Yuhuai would probably never know was that if he'd reached out and held her then, she would have thrown herself into his arms without a moment's hesitation.
The warmth of an embrace comes from courage, but he could never bring himself to reach out.
More than ten years ago, the stirrings of young love came without a sound...
More than ten years later, the helplessness of adulthood landed with a deafening crash...
P.S. Just a few rambling thoughts. (This really isn't a story with the right values. When people are helpless, it's easy to go down the wrong path in the eyes of others. We always live in the mouths of other people. But sometimes I really do wonder whether right and wrong are so clear-cut. It seems like even people who are right can be wrong, and people who are wrong can still be innocent.)
Theme: Dithering means you deserve to miss your chance
