Everything Fell Apart After My Secret Crush Came True

Two events in Su Mu's life were enough to change the course of his fate:

First, during the second semester of his sophomore year in high school, Su Mu realized he had fallen for his childhood friend, He Chuan. He quickly accepted the fact that he was attracted to men and decided to confess to He Chuan after the college entrance exam.

Second, on the eve of his confession, Su Mu was tricked by his mother into a special hospital, where he underwent six months of "treatment" to correct his sexual orientation.

This sudden upheaval completely shattered Su Mu's plans for his life.

After leaving the hospital, Su Mu found it difficult to form an intimate relationship with anyone.

For the next ten years, Su Mu suppressed his feelings for He Chuan and stuck to his role as a childhood friend, silently watching He Chuan meet, fall in love with, and then break up with other people.

Of course, he felt jealous and resentful, and sometimes still indulged in the desperate fantasy that things could be different.

But Su Mu knew perfectly well that his connection with He Chuan could go no further than this.

Then, just when he least expected it, fate played another trick on him:

He Chuan, who was incredibly slow to understand his own feelings and always needed someone else to push him forward in romance, suddenly acted as if possessed and took the initiative to say he loved him.

Su Mu knew better than to trust the words of someone so clueless about love. Still, he couldn't resist the temptation of seeing his wish of many years finally come true, and plunged in without thinking too much.

Not long afterward, however, Su Mu realized he wasn't satisfied with being an ordinary, loving couple with He Chuan.

What he truly wanted was to control He Chuan completely, utterly--

He wanted He Chuan to look only at him, forever.

He wanted He Chuan to cry and laugh for him, with every joy and sorrow under his control.

He wanted He Chuan to have been born for him, and then to... die for him.

Whenever He Chuan suffered because of their love, a sharp noise grew louder and louder in Su Mu's ears, laughing gleefully:

You have never known despair. What right do you have to say you love me?

That laughter ultimately became a vicious curse, wrapping itself tightly around Su Mu's heart.

*

Two things in He Chuan's life also filled him with lifelong regret:

First, he was slow on the uptake. He had feelings for Su Mu back in high school, but it took him far too long to realize it.

Second, he was a coward. In college, he vaguely sensed that his feelings for Su Mu had become complicated. But because Su Mu was "homophobic," he didn't dare look too closely, and by a twist of fate, he started a relationship with someone else.

The opportunity slipped away in an instant.

Many years passed as they went around in circles, and at last, after one shock after another, he woke as if from a dream:

The person he'd truly kept in his heart was Su Mu. It had always been Su Mu.

Fortunately, Su Mu loved him too. After ten years of wasted time, they finally stopped missing each other.

He Chuan was content, convinced they would love each other for life and grow old together.

Even if Su Mu's mother would never accept him;

Even if the problems that came to light as they lived together led Su Mu to give him the cold shoulder and quarrel with him time and again, sometimes so fiercely that they nearly broke up.

He Chuan never doubted the future he shared with Su Mu, not even once.

They met at six, secretly fell for each other at sixteen, and only managed to get together after all their twists and turns at twenty-six.

As long as their love for each other remained unchanged, there was no way they would ever leave one another again.

Until, by chance, He Chuan learned what had happened during the six months after Su Mu's college entrance exam. Only then, too late, did he understand through the bone-deep pain:

Being tricked into that conversion hospital meant that Su Mu had been killed once by his own mother.

And now, by being self-righteous about his sense of responsibility and loyalty without considering who those feelings were directed toward, He Chuan had effectively killed Su Mu a second time.

After being betrayed and harmed again and again by those closest to him, how strong had his little Mu Mu needed to be to endure so much suffering?

And what could He Chuan do to make amends, to hold on to and save the person he loved?

"I'll give you my life. Can you still trust me?"

He Chuan gazed into Su Mu's eyes, his gaze burning like a flame.

"I'll give you my life. Please trust me one more time."

*

"Look," Su Mu said, peeling a seemingly plump, golden-orange tangerine to reveal the dried-up, cottony flesh inside. "I'm just like this tangerine: golden on the outside, rotten on the inside. And I'm poisonous, too."

He Chuan stared at Su Mu, grabbed the dry, tough flesh, and stuffed it into his mouth. "Not bad. It's got a fresh tangerine scent."

He licked his lips. "Don't think you're the only one with a problem. I've got one too. I can't live without you!"

Theme: Love is the anchor of life