I Heard My Childhood Friend Has a Crush on Me

[Next up: "The Whole Martial World Is Helping Me Set Them Up." Please add it to your reading list. Blurb below.]

General Ji Beicheng is ordered to enter the capital. Everywhere he goes, crowds gather to watch, whispering among themselves.

Ji Beicheng is puzzled and asks his attendants why.

They reply, "Shen Bi just walked down this road."

He asks, "Did he... captivate the whole city with one glance?"

They reply, "No, Shen Bi said something."

He asks, "What did he say?"

They reply, "...That big-headed General Ji, who's also big in the XX department, will be here shortly."

Ji Beicheng nearly falls off his horse. Then he raises an eyebrow, a smile tugging at his lips. "Shen Bi saw me once, and now he can't forget me."

Before long, the capital's residents are spreading the word:

Shen Bi has seen General Ji's, uh, thing.

Shen Bi can't forget General Ji's, uh, thing.

Shen Bi has had a secret crush on General Ji for years, but couldn't have him, so now he resents him.

When Shen Bi hears this, he explodes and grabs his sword to seek revenge without another word.

Ji Beicheng: "Shen Bi, we're brothers-in-arms. How can you turn your sword on me?"

Shen Bi: "I'm here to sever our brotherhood today!"

An incense stick later, Ji Beicheng looks at the ragged sleeve Shen Bi has slashed to pieces and frowns. "Are you sure you aren't here to sever our sleeves?"

"..." Shen Bi sneers and lowers the tip of his sword. "Want me to make sure you never have children?"

Ji Beicheng: "If you want to make sure I never have children with you, I wouldn't be opposed."

Next up: "The Whole Martial World Is Helping Me Set Them Up"

Xie Qiuchi, the demon sect leader whom everyone wants dead, is being forced into marriage. The righteous martial artists clap their hands in delight. Even the wicked get their comeuppance!

Not long after, a martial-world inn famous for its reliable gossip drops a bombshell: they say that on a night when the moon was beautiful and you were especially tender, the great villain got carried away in the heat of passion and pulled off the lady's... wig.

A huge bald head gleamed beneath the moonlight, its warm luster blinding the great villain: the woman forcing him to marry her was actually a monk in disguise!

The martial artists gasp aloud: "Good grief! The world is going to ruin! This is outrageous!"

But inside, they cheer and dance with joy: "Wow, nicely done! Humiliate him good!"

Hiding in a corner of the inn and drowning his sorrows in wine, Xie Qiuchi pulls down his hat and grits his teeth. Who let the secret of that night slip?

Before they've even finished discussing one juicy story, another arrives. A few days later, the great villain issues the Tianyi Xuancang Order, putting out a bounty on the monk throughout the martial world!

The martial artists can't sit still. They're fretting over the great villain's marriage: The enemy of my enemy is my friend! We'll protect this monk!

They immediately issue a declaration: All martial artists, take note! The time has come for us to unite and fight back! For the sake of upholding justice, we're now collecting large quantities of aphrodisiacs, impotence pills, and virility tonics... The more, the better!

From then on, Xie Qiuchi spends his days taking cold showers without end... What kind of mess have I gotten myself into?

A scheming monk gong who flirts and runs, shamelessly, and is protected by the entire martial world

A demon sect leader shou who keeps getting taken advantage of, has grievances he can't voice, and is pursued by the entire martial world, who keep trying to drug him

Strong x strong

Pre-release: "The Top-Tier Star's Path to Face-Slapping"

Jiang He clicks on a trending topic: #What's the Craziest Thing You've Done for Your Idol? As expected, half the comments mention him by name.

He has Valentine's Day five years ago to thank for that.

That day, one of his male fans spent twenty million yuan on outdoor LED ads to confess his love to Jiang He worldwide. In an instant, news about Jiang He was everywhere, his fan forum gained hundreds of thousands of posts, his celebrity topic shot to number one, and he stayed at the top of the real-time trending list.

Just as the entire internet was guessing who this crazy, romantic, mysterious, and wealthy male fan might be, the guy disappeared, never to be seen again.

Jiang He glances at the replies. They're pretty much what he expected. He's about to close the comments when a user called "Xia He" catches his eye.

Sweet, salty, and cute: You're trending again, @Xia He

Xia He: I was young and reckless. It's not worth mentioning.

Jiang He taps the screen: Find out who this Xia He is.

A few days later, his considerate assistant brings him the information. "Brother Jiang, Xia He is Teacher Qiu Xia's alternate account."

Jiang He: "Qiu Xia?"

Assistant: "The Teacher Qiu Xia who's about to join the cast and act opposite you. He's the star, author, and screenwriter of our two-male-lead drama."

Jiang He: "Oh, I remember. He's your idol, right? The 'Cold Beauty,' the 'Man of Everyone's Dreams'? The chuunibyou who keeps telling fans, 'Don't love me, it won't end well.'"

Assistant: "Brother Jiang, it seems like you don't like our Xiaxia."

Jiang He: "Be confident. Drop the 'seems like.'"

Six months later

Assistant: "Brother Jiang, it seems like you like our Xiaxia."

Jiang He: "Be confident. Drop the 'seems like.'"

Theme: Love and protection