Don't Touch My Balls

Check out my upcoming works, All-Attribute Gibberish [Infinite] and Why Chop My Fish Head with Chopped Chili? [Infinite]. Visit my author page for more titles to choose from.

Jiang Chengyu is an unlucky, barely known entertainer. Just when he finally gets noticed by a famous director, before he can even get used to the script, his body suddenly starts changing shape and his belly grows bigger and bigger.

Then one day, a con man named Wei Changfeng shows up at his door and tells him he's pregnant.

He even hands him a card printed with the words: Professional abortions, fair prices for everyone.

He must have escaped from a mental hospital.

The damn con man has no shame, spouts nonsense at every opportunity, and even claims to be the Dao Ancestor. Nothing about him seems reliable. With nowhere else to turn, Jiang Chengyu is talked around over the course of a few days and actually begins to waver.

Ever since he started following the man, Jiang Chengyu has kept running into absurd situations no ordinary person could imagine, only for this guy to resolve them in bizarrely ingenious ways.

Maybe this guy really does have some abilities... But why is Jiang Chengyu still sporting a huge belly?!

Jiang Chengyu never thought that one day he would discover the truth.

Wei Changfeng really wasn't a con man. And his claim to be the Dao Ancestor wasn't just an empty boast.

Even demons flee at the sight of him. He doesn't need a grand title, and he's even more powerful than the title suggests.

And Jiang Chengyu's so-called pregnancy wasn't some accident caused by bad luck.

He was actually the one chosen, the most special of them all.

Later...

The dignified Dao Ancestor Wei Changfeng crouches beside the bed, reaching for the egg someone has laid. "Whoa! You sure can lay them. This one's huge!"

Before he can get any closer, a force too powerful to resist sends him flying.

Jiang Chengyu: "Get lost! Don't touch my egg!"

Wei Changfeng: "..."

Things are different now. Wei Changfeng doesn't dare mess with the current Jiang Chengyu.

Every debt you rack up comes due eventually.

It's fun to lie, until you have to win your wife back through hell.

Couple dynamic: A sharp-tongued, capable, two-faced gong x a weakling, crybaby, growing shou. They protect each other. Whose thigh you cling to doesn't matter, right?

--- Upcoming work: All-Attribute Gibberish [Infinite] ---

After waking from a coma, Yu Zhou discovers that he's trapped in a whole new world.

Almost everyone is racking their brains and fighting for their lives, but Yu Zhou picks up a little one right from the start and even strolls around in front of the monsters as if he owns the place.

Passerby 1: "...Wait, what?! Is this guy trying to flex? Is he strolling around with a kid in the middle of all this?"

Passerby 2: "Not gonna lie, this flexer is ridiculously good-looking..."

The monsters, forced to watch a parenting show in the middle of a game scenario, are dumbfounded. Realizing that Yu Zhou's behavior is pure contempt, the enraged monsters all roll up their sleeves, hoping to salvage a little bit of their nonexistent... dignity in front of the bystanders.

A long-haired, straight-haired slit-mouthed woman wielding a brain-crushing hammer.

A headless, maggot-ridden muscleman dragging a giant axe.

A grinning, bloated gamer playing with a network cable.

Without exception, they all come charging at Yu Zhou with everything they've got.

Just when everyone thinks Yu Zhou is doomed, the game monsters, who had been snarling and clawing, get slapped one after another right in front of everyone.

The slapped game monsters: "...?!"

Yu Zhou: "You scared the baby."

Bystanders: "?! What is this?! What is this?!"

Yu Zhou: "Hmm... They're even weaker than I expected."

Bystanders: "You call this weak?"

The terrified people have found their patron. They all wail and throw themselves at Yu Zhou's feet: "Boss! Boss, take me with you!"

Holding the child, Yu Zhou acts as if he hasn't heard them and strolls off through the scenario again.

As the game scenarios get harder, more and more people want to team up with Yu Zhou. Lu Xun is among them.

Unlike the others who just want to cling to a powerful ally, Lu Xun joins because of Yu Zhou himself.

He thinks Yu Zhou is gorgeous, and the fact that Yu Zhou can take down a little monster with one punch only makes him more interested.

So he asks Yu Zhou, "How do you allocate your stat points?"

Not understanding what he means, Yu Zhou turns his palm upward and holds out his hand to Lu Xun. "Do you mean this?"

The bystanders who were hoping to copy Yu Zhou's stat allocation all lean in. One glance leaves them stunned:

Wait, boss, why are all your stats gibberish?!

Lu Xun: "...This just got even more interesting."

Reader's guide:

1. A seemingly aloof, but naturally sweet and three-year-old-in-terms-of-emotional-intelligence beauty shou x a seemingly sociable, but actually cold and ruthless beauty gong. Two powerful leads raising a child together, and saving each other.

2. Everyone's stats appear on the palm of their hand. Yu Zhou's are all gibberish. The details will be revealed in the story.

--- Upcoming work: Why Chop My Fish Head with Chopped Chili? [Infinite] ---

Couple: A warm-hearted, somewhat foolish beauty merman shou x a seemingly cold, actually warm, physically powerful beauty gong.

As a good-for-nothing little monster in an Infinite game, Yu Yu firmly believes that no player would have any ill will toward a pretty little ornament like him.

Then one day, higher-dimensional beings invade. The human world merges with the entire Infinite game world, the system is hacked, and the monsters in the game scenarios all receive the same command:

Kill all humans.

The monsters, who get killed by players every day, are thrilled: What goes around comes around! Heaven never lets anyone get away with it!

But just when all the monsters' stats get boosted, Yu Yu discovers to his horror that every one of his stats has been nerfed.

Even the beauty he was so proud of has dropped by 0.1...

Yu Yu: "? Why?"

While Yu Yu is still trying to figure it out, a human who looks even more like a pretty ornament than he does appears in front of him, holding a spatula in one hand and a frying pan in the other. He expressionlessly lifts his chin at Yu Yu. "Dinner tonight: fish head with chopped chili."

Yu Yu: "??? What is wrong with you? Why are you chopping my fish head with chili?"

Shen Yuan: "Because... fish head with chopped chili is delicious!"

Yu Yu: "...What the hell do you mean, delicious!"

Yu Yu, whom Shen Yuan has marked as future rations, is seriously starting to suspect that all the ridiculously overpowered stats that should have been his were stolen by this bastard. Otherwise, how could one human, armed with nothing but a spatula and a frying pan, clear every game scenario and even plate up his monster colleagues, all of them bosses with maxed-out buffs?

Even higher-dimensional beings can have a shaky hand. Yeah! That has to be it!

Yu Yu follows Shen Yuan, shaking his fist in outrage. But when Shen Yuan expressionlessly picks up a piece of iron-pot-braised goose with SSS+ stats, all the indignation vanishes from Yu Yu's face. He lunges at Shen Yuan's chopsticks and starts sucking up. "So good! So delicious!"

Shen Yuan: "Too bad there's no scallion. It'd taste even better with some."

Yu Yu: "There is! The Mirrorwood Forest scenario has some! It's guarded by a giant toad with 4S+ stats, though, so it's pretty tough."

Shen Yuan: "Oh? Let's give it a try."

Hey, man, you're human! Do you really have to be more monstrous than us monsters?!

#An Overpowered Big Shot Carries a Spatula Everywhere and Cooks for Me#

#A Beautiful Merman Accidentally Gets Fed Until He Becomes a Fathead Fish#

#Help! Is the Big Shot Trying to Fatten Me Up Before Chopping My Head with Chili?#

Theme: Love lasts forever.