You Were Supposed to Save Minato in Naruto, but You Gave Obito a Thousand Years of Death

[Invincible] [System] [Funny wish-fulfillment] [Naruto fanfiction] [No angst] After transmigrating into the Naruto world, he finds himself pulling up his pants in a public restroom from the start, with less than two weeks until the Nine-Tails' attack. As a cannon-fodder civilian with pitifully little chakra, Bai Shiyu isn't worried at all, because he's awakened the [Universal Interaction Trait System]! Touch someone to draw a trait? Give the upside-down Might Guy a pat and snag [Eight Gates Potential] for free! Hand Namikaze Minato and Kushina a cup of hot water, and trigger [Flash Instinct] and [Perfect Uzumaki Sage Body]! But that's not even the most outrageous part. His real invincibility lies in his ability to forcefully “give” traits to his enemies! Faced with a Root ninja arrogantly drawing his sword, he retaliates by giving him [The Art of Explosive Diarrhea]. The ninja suffers a public spraying disaster, and that's the end of him! Faced with a lofty Otsutsuki, he directly binds them to [Supernatural Fertility] and lets them experience ultimate bliss! The night of the Nine-Tails' attack arrives. Masked Obito, looking every bit the part as he wields Kamui, is just about to show off when he discovers he's been hit by a causality-based trait: [One Hundred Percent Chance of a Thousand Years of Death]... Obito clutches his bleeding backside and breaks down sobbing. “Who's messing with me? I can't stay in this ninja world anymore!” Bai Shiyu grins viciously. “No matter how powerful your ninjutsu or how impressive your bloodline is, in the face of causality, you'll all become comic relief!”