The National Team: From the Start, Xiang Yu Plays Striker!

“Good news: China’s national team has made it to the World Cup final! Bad news: star striker Xiang Yu has been reported for kicking three goalposts to pieces!”

As the national team’s head coach, Jiang Ming’s daily routine goes like this:

Reporter: “Coach Jiang, are the fitness test results for player Xiang Yu real?”

Jiang Ming: (calmly) “Those are special effects. We’re a technical team.” (Behind him, Xiang Yu lifts a bus with one hand.)

Reporter: “And what did player Huo Qubing mean when he said ‘Feng Lang Juxu’ after the match?”

Jiang Ming: “That’s his hometown dialect. It means ‘I want a hamburger.’”

Netizens: [Is this even football? It’s like a max-level expert returning to the beginner village to stomp the noobs!]

[Strongly protest! China’s defender Yue Fei isn’t just unbeatable on defense, he’s also reciting “Man Jiang Hong” on the pitch to mess with the other team’s heads!]

[Help, the opposing goalkeeper Zhang Fei is yelling at the strikers again. I feel like turning myself in just watching through the screen!]

Finally, as Jiang Ming lifts the golden trophy before cameras around the world,

he smiles faintly. “It’s nothing. We just brought our ancestors here to teach everyone what it means to be the birthplace of cuju.”

Xiang Yu: (voice-over) “That guy called Ronaldo, want to wrestle me?”