NBA: Yao Ming Starts a New Career and Dominates the Paint

If you could reload your life and start over, how would you play it?

Yao Ming closed his eyes and thought to himself: This account is hopeless. My ankles are shattered, my Achilles tendons are blown, and a championship is just a dream.

He opened his eyes again, and would you look at that, he was right back on the night of the 2002 NBA Draft!

A young body, energy back to full. No more sore feet or aching back. Even breathing feels liberating!

This time, he's going to conquer the NBA with a different game plan:

1. Take care of Yao scientifically, and never be stubborn

While others bulk up, he does yoga. While others train like mad, he sits in an ice bath. The team doctor is stunned: “Who taught you this rehab program?”

Yao Ming smiles mysteriously. “The secrets of heaven must not be revealed.” (In his heart: It's just ten years of blood, sweat, and tears from battling the Injury Virus.)

2. Unlock the three-point skill tree from the start

O'Neal crouches under the basket with a menacing grin. “Little Giant, come run into this wall!”

Yao Ming raises the ball and sinks a three. “The times have changed, Shaq.”

The whole league is in meltdown: A 2.26-meter center shooting threes? How is that even reasonable?!

3. Use high emotional intelligence to shut everyone down

Barkley declares, “If he scores 19 points, I'll kiss a donkey's ass!”

Yao Ming responds with a smile: “Then I'll score 18 every game and save you some toothpaste.”

The next day, he puts up 22 points and thoughtfully suggests, “Kissing a donkey is more hygienic than kissing Kenny.”

Barkley: “...Is it too late for me to change careers?”

4. Run things with spoilers

He secretly slips the general manager a little note: “Get that defense-obsessed guy named Battier, fast!”

The manager is baffled. “How do you know more than the scouts?”

Yao Ming gazes up at the sky. “Don't ask. Just call it Eastern mysticism.”