My Human Toddler-Raising Experiment Log

My husband and I meticulously devised an “Experimental Plan for Raising Human Young.”

Before conception: Traditional Chinese medicine treatments, precisely calculating ovulation, and even following illustrations from ancient texts for the baby-making positions.

During pregnancy: Daily check-ins for nutritional meals. For prenatal education, we played readings of the Tao Te Ching instead of Mozart.

When the baby was born, we pored over the Book of Changes and chose a name based on his birth chart and the Five Elements: “Chen Wuxing.”

In kindergarten, our son picked his desk mate using the “Three Talents and Five Grids Analysis Method,” explaining that the other child’s birth chart would bring him good fortune.

In primary school, he taught his classmates to deal with bullying using The Art of War, and the bully’s parents came to complain.

When he had his first crush in middle school, we presented a relationship risk assessment report with KPI benchmarks.

Then, in college, our son brought home his girlfriend. “Mom, Dad, her birth chart and Five Elements complement mine perfectly!”

We opened the first page of our old experiment log, where we had predicted: “The second-generation researcher will perfectly replicate the initial variables.”

In the delivery room, a nurse glanced at the tablet my husband was holding up, labeled “Recording Device for the Young Specimen’s First Departure from the Incubator,” and said, “Are parents these days crazy?”