Dear Author, Please Let Me Off the Hook

Being the protagonist of a web novel is no easy job, especially when the author is utterly unreliable and always setting him up. “Dear Author! You’re breaking your promises. You said I’d be surrounded by beautiful women. What are all these middle-aged aunties doing here?” “Dear Author! You promised I’d be born rich! So why do I still have to beg for food?” “Author, you’re despicable! You totally screwed me over! I asked you to make me four centimeters longer, and you did, but now I’ve only got three minutes of stamina. What do you have to say for yourself?” “Author, what the hell are you playing at? How can you blame me for the apocalypse? You’re the one who insisted I go to the future and bring back some high-tech stuff for you. Now I’m public enemy number one for all of humanity. They’re going to beat me to death!” Author: “You’re worrying too much. I won’t let you die, so you won’t die!” Niu Fen wailed, “Dear Author, please let me off! I don’t want to be the protagonist anymore. I’m applying for retirement.” Author: “Retire? Don’t make me laugh. If you leave, won’t this book be abandoned? Be a good boy and go save the world!” “No way! It’s crawling with zombies over there. I’m scared!” Author: “You coward! What are you afraid of with me around? Here’s what I’ll do: I’ll open a portal for you. Take the survivors and go colonize another world!”