Deep in the Fjord

Xu Nuo thought she would be like this for the rest of her life - waking up in the early morning every day, relying on drugs to fall asleep, and hiding her uncontrollable impulses under a watch. Until she stood up from the floor of the rental house, booked a ticket to Norway, and tattooed four words on her ribs: "No rescue." It was the harshest thing she had ever said to fear. It's not that I want to die, it's that it hurts so much that I need something more concrete than the pain in my heart. In the polar night of Northern Europe, she met a man with fish scales on his scarf, a Finnish photographer who rolled up his sleeves to show her a gear tattoo, and a friend who said to her through the phone screen, "Don't hold on like me." They didn't teach her to get better or reason with her. Just push a cup of hot water in front of her. Say nothing. From being poured water by others, to learning to pour water to herself, to finally being able to pour water to others - it took her an entire polar night. Healing is not about becoming a new person, it is about finally having the courage to say "I am not good" and then continuing to live.