Zhu Di: My Son Is the One Born to Be a God of War

Let's get one thing straight: my fourth brother, Zhu Mo, isn't human. He's a walking natural disaster. Ever since my father, Zhu Di, picked him up on the back mountain, our whole family's had one job: keep this “human weapon” under control. [How my father, Zhu Di, puts him to use: precision targeting] Zhu Di: “Mo'er, see the guy up ahead carrying the big banner? Charge in and bring him back to your father.” The result: I dug up the banner along with all the soil within a ten-meter radius. Zhu Di: (His eye twitches.) “…Good job.” [How my eldest brother, Zhu Gaochi, handles him: gentle reassurance] Zhu Gaochi: “Mo'er, it's windy outside. Don't go running off. Your big brother has prepared your favorite pork knuckle.” The result: I followed the smell and tore down the Imperial Kitchen's door. Zhu Gaochi: (Laughing bitterly.) “It's fine. Mo'er is hungry. We'll make another one.” [How my second brother, Zhu Gaoxu, handles him: letting him loose] Zhu Gaoxu: “Fourth Brother! Come with me! If anyone dares object, we'll beat them up!” The result: I accidentally threw him, horse and all, into the moat. Zhu Gaoxu: (Splashing around in the water.) “Damn it! I meant the enemy!” [How our strategist Yao Guangxiao handles him: mystical bluster] Yao Guangxiao: “Fourth Young Master, this humble monk studied the stars last night. Today, you should stay still and avoid action, or you may drain the royal fortune.” Me: “Oh. Monk, you're blocking the sun.” (I moved him and his meditation cushion three zhang away.) Yao Guangxiao: (Pressing his palms together.) “…Amitabha. This humble monk still has much to learn.” After my father, Zhu Di, ascended the throne, the historians wanted to write a biography about me. They asked my father what he thought of me. Zhu Di wrote only four words on the paper: “A pillar of the state.”