Across France: Target Elbows the Antarctic Ice Lord

Again, a good fan derivative can be written independently without the original work. Let me talk about what I saw in the first chapter: You basically wrote an illogical beginning and added an explanatory essay. Advantages: I read the passage in your work, and I agree with it very much, because I think you have the ability to discover these things, but I feel that your current creation is still a little bit worse. To be honest, if it weren't for the content in your author, I might not have been able to finish the first chapter, or I wouldn't have read it so carefully. Disadvantages: 1. Logic You said at the beginning that he seems to have traveled through time, but it seems that I have traveled through time, right? But where did you discover the time travel? From the questions on the test paper, I understood that I had traveled through time. Then let me ask, he has traveled through time for a month, and he doesn't go to school? Did you go directly to the exam? Isn't this possible? You don't usually communicate with others? Don't read the textbook? Is he autistic? Right? Isn't it very logical? 2. Opening Explanatory Essay Readers are not obligated to endure your expository essay. 3. Three Golden Chapters Conflict, no. Suspense, no. Hook, no. 4. Four opening questions Who is he? I didn't write it clearly. Where is he? I understand half of what I wrote, but I can't quite understand it without reading the original work. What is he going to do? Write it clearly. Why did he do this? (Why him?) I didn't write it clearly, and I didn't have enough internal drive. Suggestion: I didn't want to say 3 and 4, but you can actually do 3 and 4. I took a quick glance at your settings, and one of them seems to be related to test scores. Let me tell you what I would write if it were me, and you can feel it. The beginning is conflict. What conflict? He knew the original work very well, so his study suddenly became very good. But he doesn't know magic, so the students in the class are divided into two groups. Some admire him for his good study, and some look down on him for not knowing magic. The beginning of the chapter is about a school bully with excellent magic provoking him. Next to the paving settings, how to pave? Class has started, this class is a mock exam. The process of answering questions describes his time travel and his special understanding of the setting of the original work. Then let him get good test scores, trigger achievements, and activate the system. Ending, hook + suspense. His grades were so good that he was dissatisfied with the school bully, who asked him to compete in spells. He asked how long it would take for the system to be upgraded. Then they agreed to fight in three days. I haven't read the original work, so I made a random idea while reading your first chapter, and there are many loopholes. You can use it directly if necessary. No need, just pretend I didn't say it. Above.

Come and see by invitation. I saw Chapter 3. You didn't write a lot of settings so far. You kept saying that I need to lay out the settings earlier. But in fact, until Chapter 3, you actually gave very little content. You wrote in Chapter 2 that his father took him to test his talent. In fact, you only wrote about this one thing. The more content was that his father was talking to him. You say something, I say something. This is very salivating. At the end of the second chapter, you gave someone his childhood sweetheart, and this person told the truth very, very suddenly, without any foreshadowing, without any prelude, it suddenly came out. In the third chapter, you wrote, he looked at the settings, looked at the achievement content of the system, then complained a few words, and then pretended to be in love, and only wrote about this one thing. In fact, the plot content was very little. You were not promoting the plot, you were just enjoying yourself. The content of your second and third chapters actually deleted half of the nonsense. These two chapters still stand. You could have stuffed more content into it, but you didn't. You chose to enjoy yourself. Then your world view has not actually been developed until now. There are many people in your world who know magic, but you have not written about how magic has changed real life. For example, the TV at home, the fish tank at home, and daily necessities at home can all be displayed with magic and magic products, but you did not write about it. There is another point. From the first chapter to the third chapter, your protagonist's internal drive is insufficient. The reason for his practice has always been because I think, because I like it, because he told me that he was interested, so he said I would practice. There is no external motivation or external pressure, which shows that his internal drive is insufficient. Simple lack of internal drive is not a fatal problem, as long as you have a good enough plot, but you currently have neither a good enough plot protagonist nor internal drive, so what do you want readers to watch, do you want to watch them play house? Your character descriptions are all very straightforward, very superficial and tool-like, with no depth at all. If you write cool articles, there is nothing wrong with that, but what you write is daily life. Summary: The plot has no tension, the setting is not fully implemented, the world view is not implemented, the girlfriend's appearance is deliberate, the whole is flat, and the characters are stereotyped. Above. By the way, if you have modified it, you can ask me to look at it again. There is no need to modify it. Don't say how exciting the back part is. Few readers will see the current content.

Thanks for the invitation. Not to mention what I saw, they are all so familiar. It's still a very serious problem. You know ≠ "I" know. The author must know everything, but is the protagonist the author? There is nothing wrong with you setting the protagonist as a complainer. There are many novels in which the protagonist is a complainer. But it must fit the context. The protagonist was hit by a truck. How did he feel? How do you feel after traveling through time? How do you feel when you return to the high school entrance examination site? Does anyone else report this in the high school entrance examination? Why is it like a joke? You have traveled through time and space. Can't you be more unrestrained? Readers are here to see you waving your hands to make the rain fall, and pointing your finger at the sky to make thunder. I'm not here to see you gossiping. After reading the entire story, I felt like Anleer was directing team battles in my ears! Okay, can you relate to the above sentence? If you can't, then let me tell you, readers can't either. If they can't share the same channel with you, they won't be able to take part in the plot. If you happen to be able to relate to that sentence, do you think there are many people who can relate to it? Is your target audience only this small group? Summary: The opening chapter has no plot advancement, the setting is not established, the protagonist is not established, and the world view is not established. Above.

How to say it? Wear it? Not wearing anything? At least I don't know what I was wearing.