I Am My Pulp

I hope you can intuitively feel the impact of children suffering from domestic violence, PUA, and the impact of their parents. The most painful thing is to feel unfulfilled and grit your teeth and persist, but don't know why you persist. Before I sobered up, when I was addicted and degenerate, the voice I heard the most was "It's just a habit. Change it. Since you feel that the sequelae of your childhood experience affect your life and emotions, then change it. Anyway, if I encounter such a thing, I will not be dominated by it." What she said is right, but it took me eight years to learn to let go of this matter, which is enough to show its great power. When I was studying, I was obsessed with other people's "You are so strong, so independent, and so mature." It was precisely because of the escalation of the circle that when I grew up, I was caught off guard and received slaps in the face. When I was spending my money on getting drunk to escape, a salesman said, "Looking at you playing like this every day, your parents must have given up on you a long time ago. It's really sad that they have a daughter like you." I don't know which nerve I offended him, but he was so angry. Maybe I was too young at that time, and he was angry after seeing me. It's stupid to think about it now. Coming home after getting drunk will only magnify the negativity infinitely. I always ended up going back to the rental house with a dim lamp on and crying like crazy. I don't know how to regulate my emotions at all. Especially after seeing the thoughts and lives of people in big cities, I became even more anxious about why I ended up like this. Even after I fled that home, the PUA continued and his words lingered like poison gas. He began to say, "Is it easy for me to be both a father and a mother on my own? I know I wasn't good enough to you before, and I'm sorry for you, but who should I go to to complain?" When I wanted to really open up and talk about some of the darkness in the past, I wanted him to comfort me and tell me what happened to me to be like that. He didn't, he started pretending to have amnesia and even said I was making it up. I can't believe that my pain has turned into "making up". We had been fighting openly and secretly in the past, and he made my dropping out of school and all my "mistakes" appear to outsiders as my disobedience. I also began to express my dissatisfaction in front of others, intentionally or unintentionally. In fact, everything can be traced. In the early years, he said that his grandfather treated him in the same way. Although he did not express it directly, I think he transferred his resentment to us. I tried to open up my heart, and learned something even more embarrassing for my dead mother. He actually told me openly that he had no feelings for her, and that it was her who followed him every day. He only used the word shameless. God, I was so shocked. A long-dead person must not be able to prove it, but my mother once said the opposite. She smiled happily: "Your father chased me before. I had sprained my feet that time, and he carried me across the bridge. I always remember it." So in the first chapter, I said that she was stupid and fell in love with someone who didn't love her. The bridge was the only place where my grandfather's house went to the highway. It was just a small bridge, which ruined her 32 years of life. This is the case for men at the grassroots level or even at the bottom, who are poor in the spiritual world, and the happiness they desire but cannot achieve comes from a series of superficial and vulgar things such as delicacies from the mountains and seas, beautiful cars, beautiful women, and money in villas. Love is the product of an enriched spiritual world, so they have no love and no sense of responsibility, doubling the dark side of human nature. Is he a bad person? But he didn't kill you; is he a good person? But he wants to hurt you wantonly. Except for the remaining blood relationship, strangers may tell you to work hard, but he will say: "Stop pretending, no matter how hard you try, you will still be the same." He crazily instilled: "Our family is very poor, don't compare with others." So when I grew up, I didn't dare to go to any "high-end" place. The boy gave me a bouquet of flowers worth 100 yuan and bought some cold medicine, and I was very excited. I felt that he had given me enough care and romance. But now I want to say, learn to love yourself and take care of yourself. These are collectively called independence. Only when others do what you can do yourself will you see the true and false nature. Precisely because you are not independent, there are too many things you cannot do and dare not try. Once someone with impure motives sees your flaws and is good at pretending, you will step into another abyss. He is an extremely "arrogant" person. He never bows his head no matter whether he is right or wrong. When he hears other people's accusations and abuses, he will be angry for no reason, his emotions will reach their peak, and then he will become violent. In his world, his own words are the truth, and he will not accept anyone's advice. He can only enjoy being a high-ranking "Tu Emperor" at home. It is said in The Shawshank Redemption: "Some birds cannot be kept in cages, because every feather of them shines with the light of freedom." He is just the opposite. He unconsciously locks himself in a cage, soaks it with venom, and drags the people around him with him. At first, I felt that I would be trapped in the cage he built for the rest of my life. It wasn't until one day when I tried to open the door that I found, ridiculously, that it was not locked at all. I tried to save him, but he still wanted to use his claws to grab me back into the cage. He is 50 years old, and I just hope that in his remaining years, he will be willing to walk out of the cage on his own one day, so that he can live a happy and fulfilling life. Although I am no longer afraid of the threat of "canceling my registered permanent residence", I am no longer afraid of moral kidnapping. But before he gets out of the cage, I will not try to get close to him again, except for the pain. Because I just stepped out at the age of 23, I have to spend time building my own spiritual world, laying a foundation for myself, and trying to make up for the time wasted in the early years. I am not a saint, so I have to take my time. I can try to forget and learn to let go. But before I fully achieve this, as long as I have even verbal contact with him, my positive and happy attitude will immediately collapse. I wrote this book in the hope that parents can see what their children will gain in such an environment, and they must correct their own problems. While you help your children, you should also live a good life, enrich your spiritual world, pursue pursuits, and have hobbies. If you are a child like me, I will recommend you several books: Wang Huiling - "Grassroots Women", Lu Sihao "The Answer to Time", "You Have to Believe, Tomorrow Will Be Better". These are just the basics, focus on them and read more books. Don't worry that you haven't taken it into consideration. It's like eating. If you take a bite, it only has one grain of nutrition. If you eat a bowl, it has half a bowl of nutrition to absorb. And everyone knows: read a book once, twice, and three times... And every time you read it back, you will gain something different.

This sentence comes from Sam McBratney's children's book "Guess How Much I Love You": The little rabbit saw the dark night sky, and nothing could be farther than the sky. It says: "I love you as far as the moon." After saying that, it closed its eyes. Big Rabbit said: "Oh, that's really far, very, very far." He put the little rabbit on the bed of leaves, lowered his head, kissed the little rabbit, and said good night. Then it lay next to the little rabbit and said softly with a smile: I Love you, to the moon, and back. (I love you, all the way to the moon, and back here from the moon).