OMG: My Background Is the Author

Oh my gosh, my superpower is communicating with authors. God, no one really thinks I'm going to get caught in a torrent of bullets, right? Oh my gosh, no one really thinks I handed in a blank test, right? Gosh, no one really thinks I have no money, right? God, no one really thinks I want to be the gatekeeper, right? God, no one really thinks monsters can digest me, right? Oh my God, why doesn't anyone believe that I'm just a normal person without superpowers? ! !