Queen of the Fire

It has been 79 days since I started writing again. I persisted for 79 days, updating at least 2,000 words every day, and wrote more than 160,000 words. This achievement has surpassed my record of writing articles over the years. Countless times, literally countless times, I wanted to give up. Because I feel like I have no readers, poor grades, no sense of accomplishment, and no confidence. Also because insisting on spending at least 2 hours writing 2,000 words every day is indeed not an easy task. Many times, I endured severe headaches and wrote until two or three in the morning. There were still a lot of things to do the next day, and I felt very hopeless when I looked up. When I open the Qidian app and see that the number of clicks has only increased by single digits, I feel very confused and wonder why I am doing this. I am an international student in Germany. From the beginning of my undergraduate degree to now, finally, I am about to find a master's thesis, which can end my student career and graduate. And my boyfriend has changed his job, has to find a house in another city to move, and plans a wedding in May. In addition to all these, I also have to bear the pressure of updating 2,000 words a day, which makes me a little overwhelmed. The most important thing is that I am increasingly dissatisfied with my daily 2,000 words. In the beginning, I kept looking back at the paragraphs I wrote, but now I don't dare to read them. I'm afraid that the more I look at it, the more dissatisfied I will be with myself. Today my boyfriend asked me why you wrote the article. I said, I just want to complete a work of my own. He said, if you don't expect to make money from this, why bother with such torture. Then just quietly and slowly complete a work that satisfies you. I suddenly realized that I seemed to have fallen into a certain blind spot: if you want to complete one work at a time, it does not mean you have to do it 2,000 times a day. Facts have also proved that I cannot afford to put in so much extra energy under the pressure of life. What's more, even I am not so satisfied with what I get from these efforts. So, I'm sorry to you readers, if there is any. I may not be able to fulfill my promise of updating every day. During this time, I hope to slow down, reorganize the outline of the previous article, and then slowly update it. I don't have to have any income from writing, and I don't have to have a single reader. But it would be the most disappointing thing if you put in all this energy and time but can't even get a piece of work that at least you can be satisfied with. Thank you for your patience and time. I will not leave, I will just slow down. Sincerely. Salute. Toma Written on January 13, 2019, Munich, Germany