Stop Acting in Terrible Movies!

Opening at 300 bookmarks! (Too many tropes, nonstop laughs, a deadpan, cute-moe snarky bottom and a whimpering, girlish top, both virgins, younger top. If you're interested, please bookmark it! _(:з"∠)_)

Chi Feng is a professional film and television blogger. After making a few sarcastic comments about the popular young star Ruan Qian while analyzing a film, he was flamed by Ruan Qian's fans until he had a heart attack. By sheer coincidence, he transmigrated into a show he'd made fun of.

If this was his comeuppance, then Chi Feng wouldn't complain about becoming a minor NPC villain...

But, ha. He's the most basic kind of NPC, and sometimes he's not even human.

Show One: A standard American horror movie, Terror.

A family of five and their dog move into a gloomy but dirt-cheap villa. The little girl can see a doll sitting on the doorframe, while the little boy sees a creepy old woman beckoning to him. As soon as they reach the entrance, the dog starts barking furiously.

The wife says she feels dizzy, while the husband can only comfort her with, "Darling, you're just tired"... Everything is exactly as formulaic as it should be.

Everyone has their place in the death order written on their face. It's just that... Chi Feng is the dog.

Chi Feng: Heh. Smart dogs die right at the beginning. If this were a Chinese horror movie, they'd use me to make dog-blood charms.

He kicked out all four legs, ready to die on the spot, but Ruan Qian, playing the eldest son, pounced on him and hugged him tight. With tears in his eyes, he said, "Xiao Feng, I'll protect you, sob!"

Chi Feng: Damn it, let go! ...Being a dog in a horror movie is bad enough, but why is my name Xiao Feng too?!

Show Two: A tearjerker about life in the countryside, My Dad Ruan Xiaocao.

In Pingkou Village, there is a famous local simpleton named Ruan Xiaocao. Raised on handouts from the villagers, he is twenty when he finds an eight-year-old child. Ruan Xiaocao, a simpleton with a heart of gold, decides to sell everything he owns to adopt the child. He does hard labor in the fields and odd jobs in the city, working under the sun by day and weaving bamboo baskets by lamplight at night, all to pay for the child's schooling.

And Chi Feng is that poor child.

Ruan Xiaocao (played by Ruan Qian): (sobbing and sniffling) My boy, even if I have to sell my blood, I'll put you through school!

Chi Feng's inner monologue, having read the script: If you hadn't picked me up, my rich dad would have found me in ten minutes...

Ruan Xiaocao (sobbing loudly): Dad's useless, son! I couldn't give you a good life!

Chi Feng: ...Wait, why is this guy my dad?

Show Three: A melodramatic family drama, Love Comes in Many Flavors.

At twenty-six, Ruan Duowei (played by Ruan Qian) is a househusband who moved in with his wife's family. He spends all day taking care of his wife and child, until one day he discovers his wife is cheating on him and the child isn't his either.

Furious, he decides to divorce her. When his wife finds out, she flies into a rage. During their argument, Ruan Duowei falls down the stairs and develops intermittent amnesia.

His wife goes all the way and leaves him with nothing, kicking him out of the house. Ruan Duowei wanders the streets alone, then gets hit by a car and regains his memory.

Heartbroken, he decides to team up with someone and return for revenge. His partner is the son of the man his wife cheated with: Chi Ye, son of a certain CEO. Chi Ye falls in love at first sight with Ruan Duowei, who looks weak but is strong inside, and willingly does his bidding...

Chi Feng (playing Chi Ye): ...Is there anyone normal here? What is the screenwriter carrying on their shoulders...?

Ruan Duowei: (ready to face death) If you're willing to help me, I'll give you anything, including my body.

Chi Feng (getting interested): Oh? You're sending me your ass on a silver platter? Now that's interesting.

He rubbed his hands together and slapped the lights off. The next second, someone tackled him to the ground.

Chi Feng (his expression changing dramatically): Wait... You're that kind of guy, but you're the bottom?!

Show Four: A brainless, lovey-dovey high school drama, My Cool Genius Classmate.

Show Five: A mystery-comedy where everyone's IQ takes a nosedive, I Bet There's No Bullet in Your Gun.

Show Six: A short drama made entirely of popular memes, Kidnap a Crown Prince and Make Him Empress.

Enough!

Chi Feng leaned against the wall and spat a mouthful of blood onto the floor. If this is hell, just put me out of my misery! Stop torturing me with these awful shows!

Ruan Qian hugged him around the waist, his cheeks flushed as he smiled shyly. "Big brother, what are we acting in tomorrow?"

Chi Feng turned around and pried his hands off with a blank expression. "We're acting out my death. I die of old age, peacefully."

Ruan Qian's eyes grew damp. "No, sob..."

Reader's note:

1. Younger top, both virgins, one-on-one, all sweetness and no angst.

2. Character setup: A whimpering, girlish top who diligently keeps making bad shows x a beleaguered, unlucky, sharp-tongued office worker bottom. (The bottom's soul transmigrates into the shows, and sometimes he's not even human. He's a professional wisecracker.)

3. Each melodramatic show is loosely based on real-life TV dramas, so there may be similarities.

4. An episodic story similar to quick transmigration. The top and bottom fall in love through their roles, then start dating later on. Extremely sweet!

This is a fantasy comedy where I write whatever I dream up. All sweetness, no angst. You're welcome to bookmark it~

Theme: Take your work seriously.